The Accident

Many have been asking me how Ollie passed on from this life...I share this only to raise awareness and express my pain as a grieving mother.

*as you read please have a prayer in your heart..its very heavy.

March 24th 2012 began a little out of the normal when Ollie had woken up at 6:30am, he never did this. I cooked Chris and Ollie breakfast while Ollie sat on his daddy's lap-which we didnt know at the time would be his last. Chris fed him an omelet and fruit. Nothing special. I remember thinking how cute it was to see the two of them adore each other and I was a proud wife and mom at that tender moment. Chris was then leaving for work and Ollie held onto him extra long and wouldn't let him go. When Chris tried to put him down he clung on like a little monkey. Did Ollie know what was coming? Do we know when we are going to die moments before? Of course Chris said now if he knew it was his last hug he would have stayed home from work and hugged him all day. Ollie then pushed his little red chair to the window to wave to his daddy, Ollie couldn't see him in the car because it was dark, so Chris turned on the light and waved. A wave he will never forget, the last tender wave goodbye. Ollie and I then went through-out our day like normal (looking back so many special things happened) I did notice something unusual, Ollie was being extra somber and quiet. He was laying on his tummy in his  fuzzy bear pj's looking out the sliding glass door window and kicking his legs in the air while humming. He did this for about 15 minutes. I even sent my mom a picture because I thought it was so unusual. (I now believe he was watching the angels that would shortly be coming to take him home to Heavenly Father-the God who gave us life). After a morning bath together, I got him dressed in his long sleeved camping shirt with his khaki pants and tiny white socks. We then went together to do some laundry like normal. I always let him throw some clothes into the washer. He loved helping mommy and it made both of us smile. We finished putting the sheets in and we both left the room. ( I later learned from the detective that there was one lone sock and  one rag mixed in with the sheets, Poor little boy was just trying to help me). I went to the living room about 15ft away to look an article on Poppy's development, I was 8 months pregnant. I didn't even sit down, I read about 1 paragraph and noticed I couldnt hear any singing or noise. He was always right next to me, we were buddies all day long.  I called for  him. No answer. Silence. So I ran to the back door, didn't see him or hear him. Panic. (I that same panic and anxiety as I now type this). I instantly ran to the laundry room to see if he was touching the cat litter box. No Ollie. Panic, fear and anxiety over took my body thinking of where Ollie could be. Something told me to put my hands in the washing machine, no way. I didnt want to. I wouldn't find him in there. I finally built up courage and  put my hands in the cold water...... sick sick sick, horror, panic.disbelief.  I wanted to pass out. my heart instantly broke into a million pieces. shattered. When I felt his precious, precious body words do not even describe the horror, fear and helplessness I felt as I tried to pull my sweet Ollie's lifeless body out of the washing machine. (How could this have happened with me15ft away-in the same house and only1 minute had passed since I heard him, I will never understand or know-and this haunts me-I was right there, how could I not hear a thing???) He was stuck and not breathing. intense. so intense and like nothing I had ever experienced before. I propped his head up ever so gently so he wasn't under the water and I decided to run across the street to my neighbors because I thought I could start CPR sooner if I could get him out rather than call 911. (My husband, Chris later told me in lifeguard training they say its very important to at least try to give a rescue breath) Who knows what was best, but this is what I did. I ran-actually I flew, shouting for help as loud as I could and my neighbor Tiffany came running. She was out the door even before I got there. She could see the panic in my face as we ran straight to the washing machine. We be both tried to dislodge his tiny (but too big for a top loading  washing machine) body, it was so stuck we were not even sure how he fit. Tiffany had to yank his tender body out, I just couldn't do it. Tiffany and Bill started CPR. All of my other neighbors were there helping to calm me down. I just kept screaming, "it has been way too long, he needs to breathe". It is so devastating to want something so badly and for it not to happen. I felt so helpless. I wanted to give Ollie my life, and I would have. I am so thankful for all my neighbors and their willingness to do everything in their power to save Ollie. The paramedics showed up in about 3 minutes and worked on his precious body for abut 15 minutes and got a heart beat, but not life sustaining. All I wanted to do was hold his big boy, fat finger, hands so I bent down beside him while the medics were frantically working on him. I held it  tight and pleaded with him to come back and told him momma needed him and how sorry I was. I sobbed. and I sobbed some more. I was in shock. My precious baby boy was dead, or dying and I saw it all. so so sad and all to much for one person to handle.

Ollie was then transported to the hospital about 3 minutes away. There the ER team put him on a ventilator and continued CPR for about 30 minutes. This was so heart wrenching to watch my baby boy, the love of my life being worked on so vigorously while I stood back and watched, feeling so helpless.  I was so shaken up at this point and in severe shock. Chris arrived and we both were hugging each other and sobbing in disbelief as we watched nurses and doctors try to save our son while feeling so so so helpless. Ollie received a Priesthood blessing from our local missionaries (this is a miracle in it self, they just happened to have a car that day and had just bought a GPS) and then was transported to one of the best pediatric hospitals, Doernbeckers Children's Hospital. I took a ride I never wanted to take-ever,but I not only rode in it once, but now I got to ride in it again and stare back at my son lying with tubes in him and all cold, lifeless. And they expected me to be calm in the front seat. yeah right. While looking back at my baby boy hooked up to to all those awful tubes while fighting for his life I prayed and asked God for a miracle. I knew he could be saved only if it was Gods will. I had some serious FAITH at this moment, but also such despair.

We arrived at the hospital and the doctors were inserting a pic line so they asked to meet with us in a private room-Basically its the room where they give people the worst news of their lives. The Doctor told us Ollie was most likely not going to make it...Chris and  I broke down into tears. We sobbed and sobbed for a few minutes uncontrollably.sad. sad. sad. worst news ever. She told us his brain was dead due to lack of oxygen and his body would most likely shut down completely after 3 days.

In those next 24 hours so many things happened but it mostly consisted of prayers, fasting, priesthood blessings and holding Ollie's hand.oh and lots of tears. and more prayers.  My parents, Chris' parents and Chris' brother caught the next flight out to Portland. I was so happy and relieved to see them all but so sad because I knew how much they loved little Ollie. I just knew the moment they stepped into the hospital room and saw Ollie, theirs hearts broke. I didnt want any of their hearts to break or hurt like mine was. We all knew Ollie could be saved by a miracle if it was Gods will. I knew Ollie was fighting between being with us here on earth and being with God in heaven. I never once left Ollies side and I wanted so badly to pick him up and for his spirit to re-enter his body. Why couldn't we receive a miracle? they happen all the time. We would all gather around Ollie and just sob and ask God to heal him, we knew He could.

The moment the clock hit 24 hours, we were physically and emotionally exhausted, we said a prayer and knew it was time to take Ollie off life support. This moment was so hard because we knew if we didn't get a miracle now, he would pass away. So many prayers had been given in Ollie's behalf, if it was Gods will a miracle would happen. I knew this then and I know this now. It was not even a question to keep him on life support while having 0% brain activity and no signs of improvement in 24 hours.The nurse slowly and gently unhooked Ollie from those nasty tubes holding him to the bed. She asked me if I would like to hold him, something I wanted to do since the moment of the accident. Of course I did. I wanted to hold him forever and tell him how sorry I was. I sobbed. and sobbed. My body was so worn out and so was his. We were all so exhausted. I sobbed some more while rocking my big baby boy, one last time. Ollie's precious body became so heavy we all had to take turns, it was all physically and mentally exhausting. We all held Ollie off and on for 6 agonizing, but precious hours. Part of my heart wanted him to stay forever, but part of me wanted him to just pass on to Heavenly Father because it was so painful to watch him struggle for every breath. He took his last breath in my arms and his body became cold and his spirit left completely and I knew he was with Heavenly Father. This moment I will never forget and cherish forever. My last moments with Ollie. I whispered into his ear and kissed him. This breaks my heart to type this and I long for that special day when I hold him again.

One of the hardest but most tender moments was washing his precious earthly body, one last time. If you are ever faced with this I hope you take the time to have this experience. We all took a wash cloth and said our good byes while we ever so gently kissed every-single-part of his body. I needed enough kisses to last a life time. It was a precious precious moment with my sons earthly body that I will cherish forever and ever.

I look forward to the day his body and spirit are reunited so he may fully live again. Life is all too precious and we must not take any second for granted. Make the best out of EVERY moment . Help, inspire me and help me uplift someone daily. My sweet blue eyed baby boy Ollie I love you always.