Casket Pics

Sometimes I find myself thinking I am stronger than I really am.

I am staying at my parents house for a few months and for a while now, I have wanted to see the pictures of Ollie in his casket.

Not sure why I feel this strong desire?

So,  my mom found the pictures hidden on her computer and pulled them up for me, very slowly.

I prepared myself as we looked at the pictures of the displays we had put up to remember all of Ollie's favorite things.

Then, came the top of his head in the casket, I saw his sweet blonde hair groomed ever so nice.

I softly began to let out a cry.

Then the next picture,

Ollie's sweet face......this is where I began to sob.

The tears came flooding down my face.

I quickly turned my head and sobbed.

I had to tell my mom, I couldn't handle this like I thought.

I just could not handle the look of death and remembering his body all frozen in time.

My sweet Ollie.

His precious body laid to rest.

Sometimes I am weak....and that is understandable, I suppose.

Here's to the eternities.....and Ollie living on in my every breath.


^^^^^^


Revelations 21:4
And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

My Eyes

Being a parent is rough, I'm not going to lie.

 I struggle with being patient and gentle to my tender children.

"A child is like a butterfly in the wind,

some can fly higher than others,

but each one flies the very best it can,

Each one is different.

Each one is special.

And,

each one is beautiful."

 

Ever since my sweet little Pops came into this life, she has been compared to her perfect angel brother, Ollie. Poor thing had to follow a perfect child. How hard this must have been for her and I am sure she was a bit reluctant. Right after Ollie died, that month waiting for Poppy to arrive, I had mixed feelings about her. I didn't know her, I didn't have a bond like Ollie's. I wanted my son, who I knew and loved, to come back to me.

Of course now I just adore Poppy and wouldn't trade her for anything. 

She is my light. 

She is my sunshine when skies are so grey.
She warms my cold heart.

I hope to show her and Loxxley as much tenderness and love as I did Ollie.

I hope my children all know how special they really are.

I am not yet the mother, daughter or wife I always wanted to be.
I guess that is why I strive daily to improve in so many areas of my life and that's also 

why I wasn't taken home with precious Ollie. 

I am way too imperfect and  my heart is too hardened.

I want to be better and I know I can achieve it.

I am not yet satisfied with myself or my life.

Thank goodness there is always tomorrow to try again.

I am constantly learning and growing.

I want to see the world with my spiritual eyes, 

they are non judging and gentle to all life.

^^^^^

Today this is what my sad eyes look like.....ewww
 I have a nasty viral infection.
Who knew you could get a virus in your eyes?
I didn't.
This is what grief does to your body....

^^^^^

Didn't want to leave you with that scary picture...sorry it's gross.

Today, lets all be just a bit kinder, love a little more, judge less, 

and accept all who cross our path.

Life....Is it Eternal?

As I sat starring at this blank screen, I began to make the symbol of eternity with my mouse, while I sat and thought about what I wanted to write.  

 This is the 'eternal knot'.

As I continued to make this symbol on the white screen, I began to ask my heart and soul if I believed we are eternal beings? 

My heart started to beat harder and quicker.

I just listened for a minute.

Yes, I do believe we are eternal.

  I believe our souls had no beginning and have no end, we have always existed. 

Matter is neither created or destroyed.

Our light and energy once the breath is gone, is transformed into some other form. 

I believe we are all balls of energy, light--I know this may sound weird.

The light never goes out or dims, but it does transfer and it may be harder to see that light. 

I think we have to be on a spiritual level or frequency to see this light and to understand its magnitude.

I have thought about this for years and this makes perfect sense to me. 

I don't really understand it or know how it works, but it sounds beautiful.

We are all a light and have had the light of Jesus Christ since birth or since forever.

Today I share my light.

I share happiness.

I share love.

 I share understanding and compassion.

I share hope, hope in living forever with the ones we love.

Not just the good

Social media gets me down often, as I know it does many of you. I have mentioned many times before, we all usually only see the good. Well, on my blog I have tried to create a space for me and everyone reading to see the ugly, the real, and the raw. There is so much beauty in life, but there is also opposition in all things. The ugly sometimes may just help someone else not feel so alone and so this is the reason I share such personal things to the world.

As I have also mentioned before, I thought my marriage would be my 'big issue' in life. I thought I would work the rest of my days trying to have a happy, successful marriage.....well, other gigantic trials have crept up in my face, you all know them by now, Ollie's death and having a preemie, little Loxx.

Well, those two giant trials in my journey are still very real and present in my every day life, as well as my marriage hanging by threads at times, and that's because I am barley hanging to life, at times by a thread. I love my husband, Christopher James, with all my heart. We chose each other to raise three children with, to spend our lives and the eternities together. I know our souls must have made a previous connection in the pre-existence, out of all the people on this planet, we chose each other. Anyway, we definitely have our issues, we always have, and everyone always does. Some just have bigger ones than others. We see so many things differently. But one thing that has never lacked in our marriage is, LOVE. We have always loved each other. To be honest, we have almost separated several times, it has not been an easy road to ride on. For me personally, I have always tackled this decision to fight to stay married when things got crazy, with prayer. I have always been inspired and lead the right way. I know God will not lead me astray. The higher power is needed in our ever changing, and oh so scary world. Marriage and life in general, are so difficult. We must not give up until we are told differently. We must fight on and keep fighting this earthly battle until we are called home to our Father in Heaven.

And GRIEF, this heavy five letter word, just intensifies everything that may have been a small problem in your life before. Dang. It's rough.
My goodness.
How I miss this precious boy.......

Some days like yesterday, I begin to crumble at the seams, everything upsets me, everything is sad and I hate the world and myself. I miss Ollie so much that I think my heart might burst right out of my fragile body, my breath becomes weak and shallow, I can't seem to get a breath in, I let out a wailing sob, oh my little boy......then, I somehow see the beauty and get a breath of fresh air, the sun sets and it's a new day. A new day to feel renewed love, peace and strength. I keep going, keep fighting---even though I want to die.


^^^^^

Chris was talking to a co-worker the other day about Ollie's story and also Loxxley's....This guy said his good friend had a preemie with many problems, and then decided to take his own life. He just couldn't handle the situation. It was just too much.

I think Chris and I are doing pretty well given our situation, I guess.

This doesn't mean we don't fight daily or hourly to not drown in our grief, pain, sadness, or heartache.

Today we mightily fight on with a sweet angel by our side..... 

Loving Me

Since losing Ollie----this is how every thought and every conversation now starts, I kind of don't like it, but its the truth. 

My life changed that day. 

My life fell apart, my heart broke into a million pieces and my Ollie's body died.

I lost myself. 

Of course I lost myself, just look at that face. How could you be okay holding him and watching him take his last breaths? 

I lost hope, I lost drive, and I lost all my self esteem-as a mother and as a woman.

So, since losing Ollie, I have neglected myself. I have focused all my time tending to the needs of my vivacious toddler Poppy, and my little miracle Loxxley. It has taken everything in me to just survive and be a good momma to them. I have tried to ALWAYS tell them I love them and they are just as special as Ollie. I try to divide my time equally between all three of my children.

Today I celebrate being a mom.

I celebrate being me.
I celebrate all 3 of my precious children.

Heavenly Father loves me and I need to love myself. 

I am a daughter of a God.
Today I have hope-hope in seeing Ollie again.
Today I am celebrating  being alive and share that light.
I am a dedicated and loving momma.
I find strength in knowing there is a purpose and a plan for this precious life.

Here's to finding joy in this life, one breath, one day at a time. I thank God for my journey and I thank God for my hope in a brighter tomorrow. 

 >>You should love yourself too. Our spirits are amazing and our bodies are so temporary. 

We are our spirits, not our bodies, so let your spirit shine forth<<

 

*^*^*^*^

Here is where I found my hope for today. 

and spending time with the ones I love!

For Quincy

Ollies sweet angel friend, Quincy turned 4 yesterday....her mom had a great way to honor her. This post is late, but I hope you can all read the link and honor Quincy for a day!

We love you Quincy Lee!

http://bradyangiedraper.blogspot.com/

Lately....

My little Loxx has been waking up every few hours all night long and takes little 20 minute cat naps all day. 

Yep, I get mad and depressed-way mad, only cause I get so tired and short with EVERYONE. I can hardly keep my house clean and take care of my kids. As I always say, I am EXHAUSTED---still...And I probably always will be. 

The child bearing years are tough years in itself, plus losing a child----way too much to handle, it really feels as if my body is constantly running a marathon, then having a tiny 2 lb baby preemie who had to fight for many months just to be here-I think all that actually seems like a big load. 

Most people look at me and say, "Wow Tiffany, you and Chris are doing so well, how do you do it?" 

I always tell them, "well, you dont see me at my dark moments, when I am in public, I try to put on a good fake smile."  

People just don't understand. And that's okay.

I will say though, about a handful of you that read my blog, have actually changed my grieving process for the better and lifted my burden. The kind things you have said and done for me are life changing. Your constant sweet comments of hope and courage- the key to functioning, when I read an email or comment, I get inspired to keep fighting forward with power!

Some of you just get it-even though you have never lost a child, you just are amazingly heartfelt, kind people, and I like you a lot!

Thank you, Thank you!!

I was talking to a friend the other day about depression and anxiety-two thing I have NEVER experienced until the day Ollie died-and oh did I experience these INTENSE feelings. Its interesting to me how you can not ever fully understand what someone is going through until you go through it for yourself-just as Jesus Christ did for each of us-and sometimes we may not ever go through it-thank goodness.

I have so many close family-really close, my big brother who has struggled with addiction. I do not even begin to understand this big gigantic vice that pulls you by the neck quickly into hell- I HATE ADDICTION. My brother and so many other addicts are the biggest teddy bears you will ever meet. My brother would give anyone anything. The real him is so giving and accepting. 

 >>>follow my brother on instagram-he will inspire you @soberjedi<<<

I have several friends and close family who like the same sex-they are probably my TOP FAVORITE people on earth. Some of the most giving and Christ like people EVER. I really do not understand their desires, but man I love them. and I seriously think just by showing love to someone you understand them a little better and everyone needs love, right??

I also have many friends who have lost a child, who have depression and anxiety, who are addicted to shopping, who eat too much, who have handicap children, who hate exercise, who are left homeless.....many different struggles and I can't relate to all of them, but I can be there for them as individuals. I can LOVE them. And that is what so many of you have done for me. I hope to pay it forward. My life motto until I die, Paying it forward.

Love and gentleness and understanding make the world go round. I wish people were more quick to listen and love one another. We need this as the struggles get harder and more intense in our lives. The days are getting crazier and scarier with the wars and the disgusting out breaks of Ebola..

>>>>>LOVE<<<<<

---Today was a big day for me! I got up for the first time in 2 years and made my husband BREAKFAST...Yay. I cant believe I mustered up enough energy to actually do this. Before Ollie passed away I made Chris breakfast every morning-this was something small I could do as a wife. I feel like I crossed a giant bridge today. Each day I jump over that huge milestone, I feel just a little better. And Loxxley took a 2 hour nap, which he hasn't done in like a few months. Another Yay!!

(((I hate that my life is now based on the event of after Ollie died, but that single event has changed my life FOREVER)))

  

Judge not...

I have been doing something I know I shouldn't do, reading nasty comments from people-and there were also many compassionate ones too, but the hurtful ones always stick out.

 They were not personally attacking me, but to several other angel momma friends. I just read a few comments and I was 

SHOCKED 

at how flat-out-rude people are. I really can not believe there are such nasty humans that exist on this earth-actually I can, all the pure ones are taken home.

To hurt another human so badly with your words when they are already going through the most HORRIBLE event of their lives, is just heartbreaking.

.words.

.they can hurt deeply.

.they can cut deep into the core of your sole. 

WHY?

.they are just words.

I know what was said about these other angel momma friends, was probably also said about me. 

I would just like to say a few things regarding these ill comments and  judgement that was so carelessly passed.

guess what?

accidents happen. 

and that is a very sad fact of life.

we are not perfect.

we make many mistakes.

and we also regret things.

What if someone really was neglegent and didnt watch their child for a split second, and they died?

Does it really do any good to tell them how awful they are and kick them while they are down and bleeding already?

I think not.

Why would people do this?

Why wouldn't sympathy be offered?

Where is the compassion?

Where is the LOVE?

I actually feel bad for these judgmental people who will one day be awakened to a harsh judgement from their maker-our God.

Why are we so quick to assume the worst?

Why so quick to judge one another?

(I know there are nasty people that ruin it for all of us and intentionally do horrible things)

How about we show more love?

Forgive more.

and

Judge less.

***I know all my readers are not these people I am speaking of, but just in case there is that one person reading this....

 After Ollie passed way, many people at my husbands work asked him how he didn't blame me or hate me?

He told them, 

well what good would it do? 

and why would it be good to give up on someone when their going through the hardest thing in their life?

Why desert them when they need you most?

Chris never once blamed me for Ollie's death.

He wonderes how it ever happened and why, but never directed blame towards me.

I actually never have blamed myself. 

but guess what?

 even if it was all my fault, I couldn't physically continue on in this life if I couldn't forgive myself. 

so I have turned it over to God. 

You must do this.

I KNOW I was and am a wonderful mother.

I couldn't find my son for less than a minute and in that minute he had a unimaginable accident that took his life. 

I don't feel I need to say more.

 

This has been hard for me to accept.....but I do.

God is in control. 

He is the almighty.

The omnipotent.

He is our creator.

and he will one day take our breath and call us home 

and remove us from our fallen state.

To rest from our trails.

Yay can't wait. 

Im tired....

"As mortals, we resist endings. There are no true endings ....only Everlasting Beginnings "

-Dieter F. Uchtdorf

 ***

and a giant
 Thank you!!!
for all the love, encouragement and prayers over the last two years

**Powerful Thoughts**

Radiating energy affects everyone...

"Research involving over 1700 experiments, demonstrates that the DNA in living cells can communicate with other nearby cells through the transmission of energy in the form of light. These results indicate that cells can communicate with one another independently of bio-chemistry and of organ systems such as the circulatory system, nervous system, or immune system."

-Leonard Laskow-Healing with Love.

"When your intention is to transfer loving energy there is no way you can fail...because in the subtle realms intention is action."

-Leonard Laskow

I believe so many of you have transferred your loving energy through your kind words. We can literately share our love and light with others around us.

****************************************************

Something I have been thinking a lot about lately, due to a question on my friends blog.

Read more about my friends story here.

http://forvienne.blogspot.com/2013/02/tell-me-why-do-you-pray.html

 **QUESTION:

Why do you pray? 

The day Ollie died I have never prayed so much or so deeply. I never wanted anything more than for my baby to start breathing again. I have my own thoughts and answers I have received in the last few weeks, so just tell me why YOU pray.

Comments

I am overwhelmed with life right now, as you could probably guess after such a tragedy. I feel so much love when I read all your comments and I can feel the prayers because I know without them I wouldn't be alive right now.  I thank and love each and every person who takes the time to comment or email me. I had good intentions of writing back to every single person , but I have failed.  I can barely brush my teeth and shower some days, so answering many emails is just too hard right now. I do read every single email and comment. I am deeply touched with your hope in me as a mother, woman, friend, daughter and wife.  

PLEASE don't give up on me.

I feel bad needing prayers. I am not trying to be a hog.

I need the positive vibes and encouragement. My faith alone is weak. I am relying on many of you until I can be strong.  

**Side note

I have always been (until now) a woman who was positive, uplifted others, a giver, shared my love, and had faith and hope. Sadly, right now I am none of these.

I guess it is my turn to receive and be uplifted by others. I hope to one day again return the giving, but for now I am a bit consumed in my grief.

*I will say the more service I do for others, the more I lose the heaviness of grief for just a small moment*

Ollie and I 3 years ago...I never have any pictures of myself...

So again, I THANK YOU.

LOVE

You can die of a broken-heart...... 

Read more here

I do not want to die from a broken-heart or from the side effects of a broken-heart...I dont think any of you reading this do either. 

I worry about our grieving (or not grieving) husbands.

 I know my husband only reads my blog when I remind him and he isn't actively meeting others to give him support like I have through the blogging world. My husband Chris, does not really have an outlet for his grief. He works and that's his main focus right now. He has to hold it together.

I found some great sites with ideas we can do for our husbands, (whether they are a grieving spouse or not) husbands need our love and support. They work so hard for us.

 5 ways of showing LOVE that has worked in our marriage:

1-Take time to acknowledge the small things your spouse does for you. They may be small, but its the small things in life that really add up in the end.

2-Laugh more-be silly and make jokes, this really helps us. Chris is so funny and makes me laugh out loud daily and I need this, we need this.

3-Cherrish every living moment together, one day you will be gone.

4-When your with your spouse don't be on your cell phone. Give your attention to each other.

5-Say ((I LOVE YOU)) more and ((HUG)) more. Your energies really bond together. I feel it every time I hug Chris for a long period of time and it heals my heart just a little.

My cute Christopher. Oh how I love him!

 9 years ago.....

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 Check out these other great sites.

85 Ways to Show Your Love 

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30 Ways to Love Your Husband 

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50 Ways To Show Love

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Random people

I can't even tell you how many times through out my days (when I do get out) random people ask if poppy is my first. Weird. So many people. Almost every person I talk to. I never once had that question asked with Ollie. Maybe they need to hear Ollie's story, or it's a small way of healing for me or them. Whatever the reason it has always turned out good to share about the tragic way Ollie drowned.
I was running today with poppy in the stroller which I have started to do again, it helps clear my head and I went to a few garage sales. The first one was 21 blocks away I didn't know this when I started but I just kept following the arrows. I almost turned around then I felt like I should just not be a wimp and keep running. I got there and bought some winter clothes for poppy. It just so happens the lady had been babysitting 30 years ago and the infant died then years later her 13 year old son put a belt around his neck and killed himself. So of course we talked about death. This poor lady had never dealt with these deaths and carried the heaviness until a year ago. I don't want to carry this heaviness around so I have given it to Jesus Christ. He has helped take my load. We need to be inspired and inspire someone every day of our lives. What is the point of life if we only think of ourselves? I have truly learned through losing Ollie life is about LOVE and SERVICE. I appreciate all that has been shown to our family at this time. I'm going to make sure I pay it forward. And I already have been!! Xoxo