Thursday, September 27, 2012

The Tragic Accident

Many have been asking me how Ollie died...I share this only to raise awareness and express my pain as a grieving mother.
*as you read please have a prayer in your heart..its very heavy.

March 24th 2012 began a little out of the normal when Olliehad woken up at 6:30am, he never did this. I cooked Chris and Ollie breakfastwhile Ollie sat on his daddy's lap for which we didnt know at the time would be his last. Chris fed him an omelet and fruit. Nothing special. I remember thinking how cute it wasto see the two of them adore each other and I was a proud wife and mom at thattender moment. Chris was then leaving for work and Ollie held onto him extralong and wouldn't let him go and when Chris tried to put him down he clung on like a little monkey. Did Ollie know what was coming? Do we know when we are going to die moments before? Of course Chrissaid now if he knew it was his last hug he would have stayed home from work andhugged him all day. Ollie then pushed his little red chair to the window towave to his daddy, Ollie couldn't see him in the car so Chris turned on thelight and waved. A wave he will never forget, the last tender wave goodbye. Ollie and I thenwent through-out our day like normal (looking back so many special thingshappened) I did notice something unusual, Ollie was being extra somber and quiet and laying on histummy in his  fuzzy bear pj's looking out the window and kicking his legs in theair. He did this for about 15 minutes. (I now believe he was watching the angels that would shortly be coming totake him home to Heavenly Father). I got him dressed in his long sleevedcamping shirt with his khaki pants and tiny white socks. We then went together to dosome laundry like normal. I always let him throw some clothes into the washer.(My first mistake) He loved helping mommy and it made both of us smile. We finished putting the sheets in and we bothleft the room. ( I later learned from the detective that there was one lone sock and  one rag mixed in with the sheets, Poor little boy was just trying to help me). I went to the living room about 15ft away to read an article onPoppy's development. I didn't hear Ollie for a minute and he always was rightnext to me, we were buddies all day long.  I called for  him. No answer. Silence. So I ran to the back door, didn'tsee him or hear him. Panic. I panic and feel anxiety as I type this. I instantly ran to the laundry room to see if he wastouching the cat litter box. No Ollie. Panic, fear and anxiety over took mybody thinking of where Ollie could be. Something told me to put my hands in thewashing machine, no way. I didnt want to. I wouldn't find him in there. I finally built up courage and  put my hands in the cold water....yuck. vomit. sick sick sick. I wanted to pass out. myheart instantly broke when I felt his precious precious body...words do not even describe thehorror, fear and helplessness I felt as I tried to pull my sweet Ollie'slifeless body out of the washing machine. He was stuck and not breathing. intense. so intense and like nothing I had ever experienced before. Ipropped his head up ever so gently so he wasn't under the water and I decided to run to myneighbors because I thought I could start CPR sooner if I could get him outrather than call 911. (My husband later told me in lifeguard training they say its very important to at least try to give a rescue breath) Who knows what was best but this is what I did. I ranshouting for help as loud as I could and my neighbor came running. She couldsee the panic in my face as we ran straight to the washing machine. We be bothtried to dislodge his tiny (but too big for a top loading  washing machine) body, it was so stuck wewere not even sure how he fit. I wont go into details but we managed to get himout and Tiffany and Bill started CPR. All of my other neighbors were there helping to calm me down. I am so thankful for them and theirwillingness to do everything in their power to save Ollie. The paramedics cameand worked on his precious body for abut 15 minutes and got a heart beat butnot life sustaining. All I wanted to do was hold his big boy fat finger hand so I bent down beside him while the medics were frantically working on him. I held it  tight and pleaded with him to come back and told him momma needed him and how sorry I was. 

Ollie was then transported to the hospital about 3 minutesaway. There the ER team put him on a ventilator and continued CPR for about 30minutes. This was so heart wrenching to watch my baby boy, the love of my life being worked on so vigorously while I stand back and watch.  I was so shaken up at this point and in severe shock. Chris arrivedand we both were hugging each other and sobbing in disbelief as we watchednurses and doctors try to save our son while feeling so so so helpless. Olliereceived a Priesthood blessing from our local missionaries (this is a miraclein it self) and then was transported to one of the best pediatric hospitals, Doernbeckers. Itook a ride I never wanted to take, in the ambulance. While looking back at my baby boyhooked up to to all those awful tubes while fighting for his life I prayed and asked God for a miracle. We arrivedat the hospital and the doctors were inserting a pic line so they asked to meetwith us in a private room. Basically its the room where they give people the worstnews of their lives. The Doctor told us Ollie was most likely not going to makeit...Chris and  I broke down into tears. We sobbed and sobbed for a few minutes uncontrollably.sad. sad. sad. worst news ever. She told us his brain was dead due to lack of oxygen and his body would shutdown completely after 3 days.

In those next 24 hours so many things happened but it mostlyconsisted of prayers, fasting, priesthood blessings and holding Ollie's hand.oh and lots of tears. and more prayers.  My parents and Chris' parents and Chris' brother caughtthe next flight out to Portland. I was so happy and relieved to see them allbut so sad because I knew how much they loved little Ollie. I didnt wantany of their hearts to break or hurt like mine was. We all knew Ollie could besaved by a miracle if it was Gods will. I knew Ollie was fighting between beingwith us here on earth and being with God in heaven. I never once left Ollies side and I wanted so badly to pick him up and for his spirit to re-enter his body. Why couldn't we receive a miracle? they happen all the time. We would all gather around Ollie and just sob and ask God to heal him, we knew He could.

The moment the clock hit 24 hours we said a prayer and knewit was time to take Ollie off life support. This moment was so hard because we knew if we didn't get a miracle now he would pass away. So many prayers had been given inOllie's behalf, if it was Gods will a miracle would happen. I knew thisthen and I know this now. It was not even a question to keep him on lifesupport while having 0% brain activity and no signs of improvement in 24 hours.The nurse slowly and gently unhooked Ollie from those nasty tubes holding himto the bed. She asked me if I would like to hold him. Of course I did. I wantedto hold him forever and tell him how sorry I was. I sobbed. and sobbed. My body was so worn out and so was his. We were all so exhausted. I sobbed some morewhile rocking my big baby boy one last time. Ollie's precious body became so heavy weall had to take turns, it was all physically and mentally exhausting. We allheld Ollie off and on for 6 agonizing but precious hours. Part of my heartwanted him to stay forever but part of me wanted him to just pass on toHeavenly Father because it was so painful to watch him struggle for everybreath. He took his last breath in my arms and his body became cold and hisspirit left completely and I knew he was with Heavenly Father, the father thatgave us all life. This moment I will never forget and cherish forever. My last moments with Ollie. I whispered into his ear "Ollie you run to me as fast as you can when I get to heaven" This breaks my heart to type this and I long for that special day.

One of the hardest but most tender moments was washing hisprecious body one last time. If you are ever faced with this I hope you takethe time to do this. We all took a wash cloth and said our good byes while we everso gently kissed every-single-part of his body. I needed enough kisses to lasta life time. It was a precious precious moment with my sons earthly body. Ilook forward to the day his body and spirit are reunited so he may fully liveagain. Life is all too precious and we must not take any second for granted.Make the best out of EVERY moment . Help, inspire and uplift someone daily. My sweet blue eyed baby boy Ollie I love you always.