Loxxley was 2lbs. 5oz--too tiny to survive, so we thought. His skin was transparent and he was pure skin and bone--no fatty meat. He looked weird and very malnourished. We were all so scared of what the outcome might be--we had heard so many stories of hope and survival, but we also knew his breath at any moment could be his last.
So, for the next three months we held him daily for as long as we could until our backs hurt from not wanting to move an inch, thinking we would disturb him too much. I often thought of how lonely he was in that foreign incubator and how much he was fighting to stay alive on this mortal earth. So, I knew I needed to fight my hardest too, even until almost falling face down from exhaustion.
Those months were filled with mostly pure chaos and exhaustion, but also sweet moments holding our fragile little boy--those were priceless moments in time. Pure bliss.
I think those months-actually the last year has gone by without much thought, well, without much stopping and smelling the roses. It seems to have just flown by while I was standing there in a blur watching it all happen--of course I have been very present and in the moment, just looking back it seems this way. I guess I might still be in a bit of a grief cloud. This last year has been very healing in many ways staying busy, something in the first few months after Ollie passed away that wasn't healthy. We couldn't bare to even wake up in the mornings to find our nightmare still true, so how could we be asked to do our daily tasks, like simply shower. We were devastated beyond comprehension. And still are, we have just learned in 2.5 years how to live without Ollie...it stinks big time.
Since the day Loxxley was born,
I have grown stronger than I ever thought possible, mentally, physically and emotionally.
Happy Birth day Loxxley Koa Kai! You are loved so much.
And your smile, my goodness, it never stops!!!
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