Thursday, August 2, 2012

SHaTteRed WOrlD

I have been inspired to update my blog....I never wrote much but know I might only write..its for my healing and possibly other grieving mothers.

Since my last post my world has been shattered and turned upside down. I look back at all those pictures I posted and I feel it was just yesterday but also like it was forever ago. My sweet love of my life Ollie Kai Hebb drowned while at home. I dont even like to say how, but it is good for me to say it out loud and face the fact. He got away from me for just a minute and that minute I want to take back, and now I am forever changed. he was helping me with laundry and went back into the room and fell into the top loading washing machine, some how. I sit here in the very same room i was in just feet away from the laundry room and wonder how I didnt hear my little guy climbing or making any noise. I will never understand. I just hate that I was here at home when it happened and couldnt stop it. I wonder too as a mother why didnt God inspire me or him...4 months later I do believe it was Ollies time to go back to his Heavenly parents.

This grieving thing is sure hard core. I feel so physically sick. I bet if a doctor were to look at my heart it literally would have a whole in it. I physically feel this pain. It weighs down on my body and takes a lot of extra energy just to be alive and grieve. I never thought I could live through a broken heart but here I am trying to cope and its rough. I feel so strongly that all the prayers and fasting on our behalf have been the reason we are still barely breathing. I catch myself taking deep breathes because I forget to breathe.

On a happier note just one month after Ollie passed away I was blessed with another sweet love of my life Poppy Kai Hebb. I wasnt ready for her. It felt too soon after Ollies passing to have a baby. I wanted my Ollie and I wanted to grieve his loss. I knew him I didnt know her. It was pretty bittersweet delivering Poppy without Ollie there physically. I know he was there in spirit because I felt him. I was supposed to be a mother of 2 now. I worked hard to get to this point in my life and it was all taken away. I feel cheated sometimes but try to be thankful for what I do have. Poppy has been a blessing and I LOVE her just as much as Ollie. She is a great baby and I  am thankful. She slept through the night at 2 months and is still asleep now at 9am. She smiles soooo much and it melts everybody's hearts. She is a little bundle of love sent from our guardian angel Ollie.

So what I am learning through this experience is that we can do hard things. You never know what your body, mind and spirit are capable of  until you are pushed to the end. Everyone keeps telling me Im STRONG. I dont feel this way. But I know I am because a mothers worst nightmare is my reality. that almost makes me barf. I hate that thought. Like everyone says you always think you are immune to death...well we are not. Something I keep in my mind daily and repeat over and over is WE ALL DIE WE ALL HAVE TO DIE ONE DAY. We all Live and we all die but some of never really LIVE. I want to really LIVE. I want to do big things in Ollies honor. I want to be the BEST I can at Living. I dont want his death to be in vain so I know there is much to learn from this trial. I must ENDURE which I never really knew the meaning of until now. I really feel like anyone can do ANYTHING they believe they can do with help from GOD. I know this to be true.

Ollie today I miss showering with you as we always did and holding you close in the warm shower as you rested your head on my shoulder. We would then put lotion all over our bodies. You kept stretching out your precious hand (now I only have impressions of them) to have me put more on. You loved it. I enjoyed these tender moments together. I love you and miss you until we meet again. Help mommy and dad to be strong. Lift us up and please carry us a little.