Sunday, September 23, 2012

feelings

Today I am feeling like a bad mother due to the fact my child died under my care. As i look around, mothers are holding their children tight and keeping them safe like a mother should be doing. Why couldn't I??? Ollie trusted me. I'm suppose to keep him safe. I know the type of mother I am so I don't care how others judge me but it does hurt just a bit to know others are saying such hurtful things about me as a parent. Only Ollie and I know the love we share. I always took time with my son i remember so many times i would try to clean or cook something and he wanted me, I would stop what i was doing and give him the attention he needed. i sure am glad now. Ollie had never watched a day of Tv in his short 2 years because he didn't want to be left alone. I just wasn't that kind of mother. I absolutely loved having a child and was so excited to be his mother and teach him the great things this earth has to offer. I often wonder how such a tragic accident occurred when I was so careful and almost anal about watching my son. He never ever left my side for more than a minute through out our days together and I could always hear or see him. Since Ollie's accident I have seen sooo many of my friends and families children doing things I would NEVER let Ollie do. So I'm having a hard time. Why Ollie? why me? How could this happen to a mother who adores their child? Why death to my 2 year old? Why a freaking washing machine. Sick. Almost makes me barf. I am and was a great mother and watched him like a hawk. It feels like a big slap in the face and an unwanted massive reality check that I'm not adequate as a parent. So many mixed emotions flying around in my head.
My heart does tell me Ollie does live on in heaven. His spirit lives on and he is waiting patiently for the reuniting of his body and spirit on the morning of the first resurrection. I have had dreams and visions of Ollie going on and he's ok. I know he is I feel it so strongly. I love and miss him deeply and my heart aches for him more than I thought humanly possible. I long for the day we are reunited.