Today I am feeling like a bad mother due to the fact my child died under my care. As i look around, mothers are holding their children tight and keeping them safe like a mother should be doing. Why couldn't I??? Ollie trusted me. I'm suppose to keep him safe. I know the type of mother I am so I don't care how others judge me but it does hurt just a bit to know others are saying such hurtful things about me as a parent. Only Ollie and I know the love we share. I always took time with my son i remember so many times i would try to clean or cook something and he wanted me, I would stop what i was doing and give him the attention he needed. i sure am glad now. Ollie had never watched a day of Tv in his short 2 years because he didn't want to be left alone. I just wasn't that kind of mother. I absolutely loved having a child and was so excited to be his mother and teach him the great things this earth has to offer. I often wonder how such a tragic accident occurred when I was so careful and almost anal about watching my son. He never ever left my side for more than a minute through out our days together and I could always hear or see him. Since Ollie's accident I have seen sooo many of my friends and families children doing things I would NEVER let Ollie do. So I'm having a hard time. Why Ollie? why me? How could this happen to a mother who adores their child? Why death to my 2 year old? Why a freaking washing machine. Sick. Almost makes me barf. I am and was a great mother and watched him like a hawk. It feels like a big slap in the face and an unwanted massive reality check that I'm not adequate as a parent. So many mixed emotions flying around in my head.
My heart does tell me Ollie does live on in heaven. His spirit lives on and he is waiting patiently for the reuniting of his body and spirit on the morning of the first resurrection. I have had dreams and visions of Ollie going on and he's ok. I know he is I feel it so strongly. I love and miss him deeply and my heart aches for him more than I thought humanly possible. I long for the day we are reunited.
Tiffany....he is more than ok. And you bear NO responsibility in this horrific accident. But when our children get hurt, we want someone or something to blame...and you were the closest thing. So naturally, you blame yourself. I watched you in church, Sunday after Sunday after Sunday. I want you to hear this: there is no more dilligent mom on the planet! And Ollie was a child full of spirit, always on the move. You were equal to the task of more than keeping up with him. Heavenly Father blessed you with an angel for the short time Ollie was here, and now He wanted him back. How awesome that you are the mother of one of God's most perfect spirits, that didn't even need to go through this refiner's fire, and sometime Hell, that we call life. I watch my kids struggle as they age, some with lack of athletic ability, slowness in education, trouble transitioning and making friends, and my heart BREAKS. Literally rips in two. But this is part of life, just as is their joy. And I am SURE you would do anything to have EVERY part of it with Olli, no matter how hard. Your desires are more than noble. But your guilt in his passing is not necessary. You were and ARE an AMAZING mother. If not, Heavenly Father would not have given you one of His most special angels (make that two.) I admire you more than you know, for reasons you know not. That Heavenly Father would even trust you to BEAR this burden, and for you to do it with such grace and love and humility, YOU are one of most special spirits. Love ya, Tiff. It's ok to be sad....forver in this life, if needs be, because I know you savor the joy, too. Some of us, when this life ends, will come upon a certain amount of joy that the others could only dream of, and then our pain will only seem like a distant distant memory.
ReplyDeleteTracie! You are so sweet. Your encouraging words mean a lot. I have good days and bad days. That was a bad day...obviously. Really I appreciate your kinds words. Thank you thank you..xoxo
DeleteTiffany
Tiff, my hearts aches for you to have to feel these feelings at times. It seems more then any human could bear. I know you do not know this with everything in you, but you are not at blame for this, it was Ollies time to meet with God. I know you are a good mothere and always have been from the moment you set your heart on wanting a child so much. Ollie, you, those who know you, and especially God know that this was not your fault. However, I can only imagine the guilt and anquish Satan wants you to feel and constantly strives to put into your mind. Don't listen to the negative things people say, they are just saying and doing what Satan guides them too so that you can be put down to feel incompetent. Heavenly Father trusts you so much he has given two of his special children to raise in this life. You are special and forordained to be a mother and you are just that! You are a wonderful loving, patient, kind, and long suffering Mother with the heart of gold. We all love you and resent anyone who would want to make you feel otherwise. People make me sick. What a sweet blessing it has been to get little reminders from Ollie like the marbles. He was sure lucky to have you and Chris like parents on this earth. Love you and hang in there, don't think for a second that you are anything short of WONDERFUL!
ReplyDeleteJocelyn. Thank you so much for keeping up with me and encouraging me. I believe everything you said. Love you.
DeleteTiffany
It's ok to have bad days. It's a horrible thing that has happened and that you are having to live with. You are and were a wonderful mother! The fact that you were so careful and protective tells me that it was just his time. He was too pure and lovely for this earth like you have said. I know it's hard but we just have to make sure we have good days along with the bad and try to focus on the positives which I know you do because you have helped pull me up on some of my pretty down days. You are wonderful. Just keep your head up and try to keep moving forward. Lots of love.
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