Sunday, December 9, 2012

No sleep

It's 3Am and I can't sleep...due to

•••••••ANXIETY and pain••••••

Seriously I hate this new anxiety I have all the time and its elevated at night because Chris sleeps upstairs a lot, he doesn't want Poppy to wake him up. She has been waking up like 3-4 times a night. So exhausting. Poor little girl doesn't sleep through the night like Ollie did.
•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

WHY? Why did my little Ollie leave me? Why did that day ever happen? Why couldn't I hear him? Why did God not inspire me that something awful might happen? Why? He was only 2. He was Too too sweet and the joy of my life. I love that little guy and miss him so much. My heart is breaking inside and I just want him back.
WHY this new life? Why this constant anxiety and heaviness. I take deep breathes all-day-long. I guess I forget to breathe. Why? I wanted and needed my 2 children. I want Ollie and Poppy. I just know Ollie would have been so cute and gentle with her. He would have entertained her when she cries. That's a part I feel totally ripped off, not having him to help when she's crying in her car seat or when she's screaming while I'm getting dinner. So unfair. I feel cheated. Ollie and Pops hate the cars eat. I was waiting for the day Poppy arrived so Ollie would have a buddy so he wouldn't be so sad in his seat. Dang it.
Today I was driving in the car trying to describe the pain inside my chest to myself. Wow. Seriously? This is intense. One word that kept coming to my mind was .damn. i dont swear but its all i could think. Damn this pain. I hate it. I feel so heavy with sadness and longing for my son. Yes I do remember to be grateful for what I have. I have so much! But I miss part of my life. A big huge part of it.

***Ollie*** 

I will never be whole in this life. NEVER EVER. I can try but I know I won't. Part of me is in heaven. A piece of my heart was taken.
:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(
Chris said something profound this evening:
Wow at least if I dont make it to heaven a part of me is there.
I like that and I also don't. I am going to be with my Ollie again. I have to. I just can't imagine the thought of not hugging him in heaven and being together for ALL ETERNITY. 
So, I guess if a piece of us is already there in heaven it should make it easier for us to get there...
I sure hope so!
Well Poppy is awake now. I'm alone in bed so I guess I will snuggle her. She will help my anxiety. I need someone. she will do for now. Nighty night. Xo

8 comments:

  1. Tiffany,

    You don't know me but I feel like I fell upon your story for a reason. I think about you, your husband, and sweet little Ollie all the time. As a mom I just hurt for you. I want you to know that there are so many people out there helping you hold some of that awful pain you must feel. I would even like to carry some of that unimaginable pain for you so it's not all on you. Be strong my sweet friend.
    Lindsay

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    1. Lindsay. Thank you kind person!! Actually I really feel as if my pain is carried by others, due to their constant love and prayers. It's rather amazing. I feel the prayers carrying me and my husband says the same. Thank you! ❤

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  2. A mother's love is unlike any other love. It is instinctual, unconditional, and forever. From the moment of conception, they are a part of us. "Being a mother means that your heart is no longer yours; it wanders wherever your children do." I can't imagine how sad you must feel to be separated from Ollie. I love you. Mindy

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    1. Love you too Mindy. Thank you for that quote. I love it. I just read an interesting article about how our cells are connected to our children and we are one!! So cool xo

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  3. I'm so sorry that you are hurting so bad. I'm so sorry I can't help you more. As your mom, my heart hurts when your heart hurts. Any of your friends or family or strangers who read this are willing to help you and take some of your pain. We don't know how so we just keep praying for you and sending our love any way we can think of. Just keep taking one tiny step at a time. I read that if you can't take that step, then lean into it. Your Father in Heaven is the one who is by your side all the time and so is precious Ollie. I love you sweetie

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  4. Mom! You're amazing and I love you. I like that thought to just start the lean and Heavenly Father and Ollie will do the rest. Calling you tomorrow! Xo thanks for your sweet words!!!

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  5. Earth Moving Spare
    I enjoyed your post. It’s a lot like college – we should absorb everything we can but ultimately you need to take what you’ve learned and apply it.

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  6. Your strength really is amazing Tiffany. Just take it one day, actually one second at a time. After my brother passed someone said to me, our loved ones are here with us. If we could see how close they really are we wouldn't mourn so deeply. I know you have felt Ollie. He is aware of you and here with you. Before you know it, you will be with your sweet baby again and this thing we call life, will all seem like a dream.

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