Sunday, December 9, 2012

No sleep

It's 3Am and I can't sleep...due to

•••••••ANXIETY and pain••••••

Seriously I hate this new anxiety I have all the time and its elevated at night because Chris sleeps upstairs a lot, he doesn't want Poppy to wake him up. She has been waking up like 3-4 times a night. So exhausting. Poor little girl doesn't sleep through the night like Ollie did.

WHY? Why did my little Ollie leave me? Why did that day ever happen? Why couldn't I hear him? Why did God not inspire me that something awful might happen? Why? He was only 2. He was Too too sweet and the joy of my life. I love that little guy and miss him so much. My heart is breaking inside and I just want him back.
WHY this new life? Why this constant anxiety and heaviness. I take deep breathes all-day-long. I guess I forget to breathe. Why? I wanted and needed my 2 children. I want Ollie and Poppy. I just know Ollie would have been so cute and gentle with her. He would have entertained her when she cries. That's a part I feel totally ripped off, not having him to help when she's crying in her car seat or when she's screaming while I'm getting dinner. So unfair. I feel cheated. Ollie and Pops hate the cars eat. I was waiting for the day Poppy arrived so Ollie would have a buddy so he wouldn't be so sad in his seat. Dang it.
Today I was driving in the car trying to describe the pain inside my chest to myself. Wow. Seriously? This is intense. One word that kept coming to my mind was .damn. i dont swear but its all i could think. Damn this pain. I hate it. I feel so heavy with sadness and longing for my son. Yes I do remember to be grateful for what I have. I have so much! But I miss part of my life. A big huge part of it.


I will never be whole in this life. NEVER EVER. I can try but I know I won't. Part of me is in heaven. A piece of my heart was taken.
:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(
Chris said something profound this evening:
Wow at least if I dont make it to heaven a part of me is there.
I like that and I also don't. I am going to be with my Ollie again. I have to. I just can't imagine the thought of not hugging him in heaven and being together for ALL ETERNITY. 
So, I guess if a piece of us is already there in heaven it should make it easier for us to get there...
I sure hope so!
Well Poppy is awake now. I'm alone in bed so I guess I will snuggle her. She will help my anxiety. I need someone. she will do for now. Nighty night. Xo