Something really morbid I need to write becasue it won't go away.....
every time i think of sweet Ollies body in the ground i want to dig it up. i just want to hold his body one more time. i want to kiss him. i want to squeeze him. i want o hear his tiny voice. i just want OLLIE. i cant have him. not in this life. not ever. only when i die too will i hold him again. i want to kiss every part of his precious body, again. even if its cold. it's his body. i miss him. i want him. i dont know where he is, but i do know where his body is and its in the ground. cold. his physical body is here not his spirit, he has gone on to be with GOD. wow what a wonderful thing. i know heaven is far beautiful and glorious than we can imagine. i hope Ollie is enjoying the beauty and has many friends.
love you little guy.
I'm so very sorry. Such strong physical longings. Sometimes I close my eyes and pretend...
ReplyDeleteSame. I want it so badly.
DeleteHi there-
ReplyDeleteYour sweet mama recently visited my blog and led me to yours. I just had to tell you that I have had these same feeling a million times. I rarely go to the cemetary because it just makes me want to dig him up and hold him. I think it's just a mama's instinct eventhough we know that they are safe with God.
I spent some time reading your sweet blog...now I miss Ollie too.
Hugs,
Trisha
Trisha, Thank you for stopping by. My mom is sweet.
DeleteI also read a little about your sweet Nathan. What a blessing and precious boy!
Much love Tiffany
I don't think it's morbid, I think it's a natural instinct for a mother to have. We are bound to them by the strongest kind of love. Without them we don't feel complete. To long to hold the one you love again is an innate desire that we all understand.
ReplyDeleteTo say I feel sad that you can't have Ollie with you is so inadequate. I couldn't sleep tonight after reading your post~ trying to imagine how you must feel. I know I have no idea what it's like to lose a child but I do know what it's like to love one. Newton's Third Law of Motion states, "For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction." With that in mind, I would suppose that depth of my grief would be equal to the depth of my love. That is a scary thought because I can't imagine a more intense feeling.
I am more than sorry that you have to know, not just imagine, what it feels like. Your sweet little Ollie's spirit is with God and I know that after you have completed your life's journey you will be with him again. Keep showing the world how amazing and strong you are.
Love to you.
Mindy,
DeleteI like what you said about being bound to them by the strongest kind of love.
It is still hard for me to imagine my son is not here. Its so unreal. I think every mother can imagine the pain if there child were to leave but its so much more than imaginable. I am here and going through it and I don't believe it. Its weird.
Thank you for always writing such wonderful comments.
Love you too!
Tiffany
Hey Tiffany- I wanted to clarify what I meant when I said I can imagine. By no means do I want to imply that I understand, relate to, or comprehend what you’re going through, just that I am able to recognize that you would be experiencing pain and that I acknowledge it would be a very intense grief. Does that make sense?
DeleteI just wanted to make sure you know that I realize I have no real idea of what it would be like to lose a child. As always, I am so amazed by the grace and dignity you display.
Love,Mindy
You're feeling this way because he's your child. Of course you want to hold him & soothe him & kiss him. You will. It's just that until you do there will always be a longing part of you that needs Ollie. That is a tie that is never broken. I know writing is a good way to get feelings out. I never thought that before but can you see that from the first of your post you changed it into something beautiful? you are beautiful
ReplyDeleteYes my posts are more positive than negative. XOXO
DeleteOh Tiff...I hate this for you. I hate this new reality and I wish I could take away a portion of your pain. I know I'd never be able to carry it all. You ARE strong, you KNOW where Ollie is (even though it's probably so easy to doubt), and you DO have so many people who love you and who are rooting for you on this side of the veil and the other. Love you!!
ReplyDeleteSometimes I wish others could take the pain away too. But actually it does help when you are so kind and physically send your love out into the universe. I Feel It!
Deletexo
It truly is an ache that will never go away. It's good you can voice your grief and your pains. We decided on cremation for our Garhett for those very reasons. I wear a necklace with some of his ashes in it and it gives me some comfort. Nothing could ever really soothe the pain though.
ReplyDeleteHa... check it out... lol i figured out how to this whole bloging thing. hahahah. wow that was tough. lol. i know if i had burried my babies iwould have dug them up to see them "one last time" even though im sure i would do it time and time again. and to see if it was real that i had lost them. i never got to hold mine alive but they are still and forever a part of me and same with Ollie. its so hard to loose them and have them take such a big piece of you with them and still have to carry on in life without being whole. i dont know how you feel or what exactly you are going through but i know how it is for me. sometimes i catch myself daydreaming about what my house would sound like, look like and even smell like if i had all our babies here with us. some times i will still cry. ok alot of time cause its not easy for us to even get pregnant so now i just feel like i will be broken hearted till i can be with them and actually see them and their features. not the imprinted images that i have of what they looked like when i flushed them. i know a miscarage is no where as trumatic or exteme of what you went through bu ti think the pain and healing process is all relavent to one another. thank you for listening as i blabble. sorry. but time and time your mom has told me (and im sure she has told you) we will get through it and as hard as it will be and seems at times.... WE CAN DO HARD THINGS. you are so amazing and i love you.
ReplyDeleteI can understand this. I have not lost a son, and I won't pretend that I know how it is or feels, but I do have a son, who I love more than words can say. And I can imagine if I were in your shoes I would feel just like that. I am so sorry you are going through this, that any of this happened to your little boy and your family.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your story and thoughts and feelings though. They do and will continue to help so many people. You, Ollie, your family, are in my heart, thoughts and prayers.
Nature brings me peace, please go on a vacation to some simple wonderful place, or just go outside, and sit and notice all the beauty around you. I really feel that our loved ones are in that beauty.
I can understand this. I have not lost a son, and I won't pretend that I know how it is or feels, but I do have a son, who I love more than words can say. And I can imagine if I were in your shoes I would feel just like that. I am so sorry you are going through this, that any of this happened to your little boy and your family.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your story and thoughts and feelings though. They do and will continue to help so many people. You, Ollie, your family, are in my heart, thoughts and prayers.
Nature brings me peace, please go on a vacation to some simple wonderful place, or just go outside, and sit and notice all the beauty around you. I really feel that our loved ones are in that beauty.