Roller-Coaster

Well here I am on the roller-coaster. Its not a fun one though. 

Today all I can think about is how the accident happened to my Ollie. I keep saying over and over in my head almost yelling , 

"A washing machine? Seriously? I found him inside? What, really, Ollie?  How could this have happened?"

Im sick now.

I want him back.

I wish that day never happened. 

I want to warp back to that minute and change everything.

I hate my washing machine. Its a new one but I hate it.

I say a prayer every time I enter the room. 

The laundry room is now called "The stupid Room."

I think we should move.

God are you listening????

I pray and I pray.

***Last night we changed Ollies bed and his little "shrine area". I thought I was going to cry and hate every minute of it. But I didn't. Everything is hard. This just adds to the list of hard things like going up to his/Poppy's room everyday, looking at his jackets, shoes and hats (now collecting dust) when I open up the closet to get out Poppy's clothes, when I open up his drawer and see all his cute little spider-man underwear (unused now for 9 months), when I find a lock and key on his bedroom floor, when I think of his tender, sweet voice. Oh man. When I walk into the "stupid" room every day. So many reminders of him, good and bad, fill this house. So taking down his bed was just another hard thing but it needed to be done. Poppy needed a crib. She has been sleeping in her bassinet reaching from top to bottom for a while now. She likes her new bed! I really felt like Ollie was there with us. I missed him but I felt him near. I think my spirit just knew he was there. My physical, earthly body didn't know but my spirit did. Weird feelings but so real.