Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Missing Piece

We are with our family soaking in some sun, and its oh so wonderful.....but I feel something is missing. I have an anxious feeling deep within my chest. It wont go away. There is a hole eating at my soul. The never ending longing for a piece of my heart that was so rudely and unwillingly taken.

I want that piece back. I want Ollie back. Oh how I wish I could change things.

My reality as long as I am living is, that sweet Ollie is not coming back, never ever. Not to this earth. That just hurts my mind, body and spirit. My heart aches. I am tired. I am tired of being tired. I am changed. I am not that same Tiffany I was last year. I am broken, oh so broken. But I am strong and I will rise above this pain.

Not exactly sure how to live a lifetime without a big piece of my heart, but I do know I will do it. Only because I have to, not because I want to. I have said this many times:

YOU WOULD BE AMAZED HOW STRONG YOU ARE WHEN YOU HAVE TO BE.

I haven noticed in the last year, I just cant laugh like I use to. I cant smile as big either. I don't like this new molding-a-new-Tiffany life. I liked who I was. Of course I had many improvements to make, but I was moving along just fine....until Ollie passed away. A year later I do feel stronger, but so so weak all at the same time. My life is just BITTERSWEET. I don't really like this word, but its become normal for my new life. I have been more angry lately with others and a lot more impatient. I have been on edge and there has been no room for others being ignorant. I am not normally like this. I guess this happens to individuals when they are broken, crushed, tattered and worn down.  It really helps me to see others and not judge them for their short comings. I have tried to channel the negative feelings into helping others, it does work some of the times. One major thing that has bothered me in the last year is having absolutely no control of these feelings, this big gigantic event of losing Ollie. I like to control myself and have always been very good with controlling my cravings of any sort. I am very logical and I know my mid is so powerful. This is one reason I never liked to do drugs or be intoxicated in anyway because I could not control my body. It really makes me made that I cant do anything to change the outcome and bring Ollie back. I did not make a conscious decision for my life to go this way. It really upsets me. I am trying to work through this. I guess I have a lifetime to improve.....

So many have been more than kind to me (Chris and I of course, but I say me because I am the one writing.) I can not believe who has reached out to me from across the world. I do know a lot of people, but its so humbling someone I have never met is praying for me and my family.
I am so touched. I accept your prayers and love graciously. My heart does get a little warmer when I read such kind words of encouragement. Sometimes I feel many of you have more faith in me than I have for myself. I thank you for this. It helps to keep me moving forward. Don't stop, Please.

Love from sweet Ollies Momma and precious Poppy too!