Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Pit of despair

Another Birthday and Mothers day have passed and left me feeling like I am in a lonely pit of despair. The last 3 days I haven't been able to see the light through this dark valley I am in. I know the light is there, but it's so dark, cold and oh so lonely. I know I will reach the light, but I will not reach full light until I enter Heaven, but at any rate I will reach it. (reminding myself the glass is half full)

I awoke on my birthday. I was turning 30-I am now 30. No big deal, just another day. I didn't expect to wake up crying and falling to my knees due to an overwhelming heavy broken heart. I called my mom. I started to sob and ask her

"why did this happen to me? I am having such a pity party. I dont like my new life. I dont want to live with out Ollie. I miss him. Why did he die and awful death? Mom, my heart hurts so badly. Why Ollie, Why me? Did I deserve this? Did I pick this in heaven?"

My mom comforted me with her sweet words as she began to softly sob. She couldn't see my face, but it was all I could do to not burst out into to a loud weeping cry from a mother longing for her child.  I held back the sobs so my mother wouldn't hear her precious daughters pain. She was not here to hug me, but I know she wanted so baldy to be. I know my mom hurts as she shes me grieving in this unwanted and unfair pain, and she also misses her first grandchild, Ollie Kai Hebb. Why did my parents have to be 50 and still not grandchildren, then they finally get just one after so many years waiting and he dies tragically after just 2 short years????? I feel bad for them. Not fair.

After talking with my mom she told me to go and plead with Heavenly Father to possibly get some answers. So I did just that. I went and prayed...and cried...and cried and asked why? and cried some more. It actually felt good to release this dark energy building up inside of my body. Right as I got up from my prayer my sweet older friend, who is like a mother figure here in Oregon, was knocking at my door. I opened the door in full blown tears. She said, " I knew you would be crying the moment I drove over here."  Wow what in in-tune woman. She began to cry with me. She took me by the hand and sat me down and just hugged me until we both stopped crying. She told me she missed little Ollie too. This is just what I needed. My mother was not physically there so another mother listened to the promptings and filled in for her.

Later that night I went running at about 5pm in the 85degree sunshine. My favorite time to run, I love the heat. It made me run fast. I got so much un-needed energy out. It felt exhilarating. I ran to a friends house and was contemplating turning around because they were having a funeral dinner at their house. As soon as my friend saw me she stopped her car came sprinting out-all 8 months of her-and gave me a big bear hug. Seriously I have never had as big of a hug as this. It totally warmed my heart. She was so cute and happy. Thank you Kim.

These two small hug-but oh so big for me at the time-were more than amazing and much needed. We never know how such a small thing can change someones moment.

So as I sit and write this I can say I am no longer in the pit of despair. I feel pretty good today, but its because of others. Chris and I have been saying lately that we are in this life together. Meaning you and I and everyone around us, everyone that is in your life is suppose to be. WE can help each other through this life, we can help others to become their best selves. Can you imagine if the stupid "entitled crew" learned this concept? Love and give more to others. Its not only about us. So many people, most of which I have never met, have shown me unimaginable amounts of love. I hope and pray to keep paying this love forward.

****I didnt take any pictures of mothers day, I just felt horrible and sad, but here are a couple cute pictures of Poppy today at the park.