Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Waking up

When Ollie first passed away my EVERY living thought was consumed with him and my pain. I could barely get out of bed, brush my teeth, clean my house, do laundry in that "stupid" room, or even shower. I couldn't be ALONE. I wore dirty clothes and I didn't even care, I just wanted Ollie back. I had severe anxiety at night thinking Ollie would grab my leg ( he always did this every morning, so I knew if it happened it wouldn't be him)...weird I know. My grief of losing Ollie was ALL CONSUMING. I only thought about myself. Every time I awoke at night with Poppy, I sat there awake feeling anxiety and scared, (I think this was from the shock and horror of finding my child dead, obviously. I was expecting it to happen again). I still haven't worn mascara since that day and probably won't. I just don't care like I use to. Things that were important have become so insignificant in my daily life. All I could think about was how my heart was ripped, torn, stomped, crushed, pierced, wounded, and shattered. I do remember Chris' aunt who had lost a son years earlier, tell me that the morning you wake up and your son is not the very first thing on your mind, then you are healing a little more. She said you will first think of how pretty the sunshine is, or of Poppy, or of the things you need to take care of. This happened for me about the 7 month mark. I felt sad not to think of Ollie right away, but it was a nice relief. Missing someone so much and crying every minute makes you feel exhausted and weighed down all*the*time. In the last year I have been more tired than I ever have. I really am worn out, but I feel I am slowly and steadily gaining strength and moving forward with a huge amount of *faith*

So today a year later I feel as if I have been awakened and I am a new person. I manage to brush my teeth-twice, sometimes more, I shower-alone, I drive in my car-alone, I go on walks in the sunshine, I smile, I laugh, I pay my bills-on time, my faith in Gods plan has increased ten fold, I plead to my father in heaven in my all*day*long prayers, I cry, I sob, I awake and think of Poppy or the sun-then my Ollie, I trust God more, my love for everyone has increased, I have more compassion, I am more patient, I have empathy for a mother who has lost a child, my testimony in the gospel of Jesus Christ is rock solid, I have met amazing people who will be in my life now forever, I appreciate the small things, and I know I will see Ollie again and he still lives on! I know God uses these tragedies as a teaching tool for us to become "better" and more like our savior Jesus Christ.  *not saying I am perfect in any of these areas, they have just increased.

***Psalms 30:5
For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Read about Eternal Families- I believe this with all of my broken heart

How couldn't I smile and go on when I see this face? She is a blessing in my life. 
Look at those huge chompers.