Friday, May 24, 2013

**Serenity Prayer**

God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.

Everyday it is a constant struggle to accept the things I can not change...Ollie is not here with his family on this beautiful earth. I need to accept this. Boy is it hard

I hear Chris often say from the other room, 
"Is Ollie really not here?"
"Is our son really gone?"

It is such a hard reality to grasp the idea that one day your most precious, 
first born child is here, 
laughing,
dancing, 
singing,
and happy.
The next minute he is 
lying lifeless on my living room floor,
cold,
un-responsive,
lonely,
sad.

One day you just have to say good-bye to your child at the hospital, plan a funeral, make a casket, donate his precious 2 year old perfect body parts (I say that with respect, I am so thankful 2 little children will live because he died), connect with other families who have lost a child, tell your daughter that her older brother died and how gentle he was, put away all of your sons clothes because he is not here to wear them, only have pictures and videos to remind you of your son you once had on earth.

 So many things I never ever wanted to do. But here I am. 
As I sit here and look at a picture of my sweet baby boy, I want so so badly (these words don't even come close to describe the desire) to just hold Ollie,
and rock him just one more time
and kiss him just one more time
 and 
tell him how much I love and miss him just one more time.

An Apostle from the LDS church, Richard G. Scott, told another grieving mother (I posted her blog on here a couple of days ago) that when a child dies, it is NO ACCIDENT. I truly believe this. How could God allow a precious child to be taken home to Him before their time? We all have a plan we must try to fulfill while we are here just a short while. 
Ollie's was finished or he would still be in my arms today. I believe this with all  of my broken heart. 


Ollie my sweet forever 2 year old, 
I miss you oh so much and wish you could share all these precious moments with your little sister. She is so cute. She makes funny and loud noises when we are in the store so people will look at her, then she smiles and waves excitedly at them. She is such a people person. She is a light in our darkness. I just know you would love her like we do. I wonder if you would hold her hand and lead her around the house? Oh I just wonder and can see it now??? But for now I just have to wait and wonder.What would your 3 year old self be doing?
We miss your face and your gentle kisses.
 I hope you are near. 
I think you are.
Please stay there.