Thursday, June 13, 2013

So much beauty/ugliness

Chris and I go hiking often and spend much of our days outside-well when he isn't inside the stupid fab, which has no windows, a dull yellow light and is dressed in a white bunny suit from head to toe. 

We have a big beautiful backyard that has many blooming flowers, a gigantic black walnut tree, and a nice garden. 


Oregon sure is one beautiful place! The trees and shrubs are a beautiful neon green from all the rain-yippee. my favorite. 

All this beauty.

The heavenly cost line and the Ollie blue roaring ocean, the bounty of fruits and vegetables. 
Its all so wonderful. 


I enjoy all these beauties so so much, but my mind takes me instantly back to missing Ollie. 
This earth is wonderful. 
But missing Ollie overpowers all.
It has become almost impossible to enjoy things. 
I imagine how much better it would be if Ollie were here. 
I would feel complete.

The longing disrupts:
My ability to enjoy Poppy and Christopher.
 My ability to enjoy the sun that I love so much.
 Running.
Swinging on our homemade wooden swing.
Just sitting and being-difficult
The farmers market-every Saturday I run there with Poppy-but then I am overcome with sadness. I use to pull Ollie in his bike trailer-he loved to eat strawberries the whole way home.  


Every.single activity now has a big huge damper on it. 

I smile for moments at a time and enjoy many things, then I am always overcome within seconds, of longing for Ollie. I miss my little buddy so so much.

This is my life.
I have to fight harder than those who have never lost a child, I have to fight, and this fight is oh so tough.

***Extinguish this negative energy by physically removing it, I have to continue daily:
running
 screaming
praying
 pleading
 crying
 singing
 hiking
serving

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