.Always with us.

I haven't even looked at my blog since my last entry.

 A month ago.

So much has happened. 

I have been pretty down since Ollie's birthday. The sun is shining here in Oregon and I am still sad.

I have felt pretty blah. 

I am hurting oh so badly-not as badly as the day I found my precious child lifeless, but still aching none the less. I try to cover it up sometimes when I go out, its pretty much impossible to do and I find myself breaking down quite frequently. 

It feels good to release the pain from my heavy heart, but after the crying my heart still aches.

 *****

My parents were happily watching Poppy while Chris and I went on a camping trip around the Big Island.

Of course we thought of Ollie (and Poppy) the entire time. 

It actually hurt so badly to be away from Poppy for 9 whole days-way-too-long. 

Some pictures I received from my family while in Hawaii.

Who wouldn't miss this face?

        **************************************

When I was in Utah picking up Poppy I hung out with Angie, Quincy's momma. 

It was nice to hug, talk and relate as two grieving but strong mothers.

 Our little kids got to play .

I wonder if their spirits communicated about their deceased siblings?

Poppy and Ryder. 

Our Rainbow Babies. Friends Forever

**I visited Quincy's spot. Her mom takes such good care of it. Her dolls  and beautiful flowers line the headstone.   

********************************

I also visited Ollies spot. 

I actually tried to drive a diferent direction so I could avoid the cemetery cause I knew if I saw it, I would have stop. 

How could I pass the cemetery and not stop? 

But who wants to visit this place?

Not me.

So I stopped. Alone. 

I walked up to Ollies spot.

Not a sole around.

Quite.

Peaceful.

I just thought of happy moments with my son.

I cried. 

I was mad and disturbed. 

Then I left.

 *************

My family and I went to the cemetery another night together.

I had to buy some flowers for my sons grave because 

I had never put anthing on his headstone before.

My family is so supportive.

Precious.

Kissing her brothers picture. 

(But also disgusting, she has to kiss his picture on his headstone cause he's dead)

She loves Ollie.

She can now say his name.

"Ah-yeee"