Friday, August 23, 2013

awful flash backs

I just came from upstairs where I was every so tenderly rocking my sweet-but feisty, baby girl. As she was drifting off, her eyes started to roll back and forth in her head. I didn't like watching this because it instantly took me back to Ollie lying on the hospital bed. So I rubbed Poppy's head and she looked up at me ever so sweetly. Thank goodness!! I still get worried when she is drifting off to sleep, that she is drifting off to her death. Its a weird feeling and very hard to explain, but the panic floods my body instantly. Even when I see pictures of children sleeping, I instantly think they are dead. I panic for just a moment. (I still have nightmares quite frequently about grabbing Ollie out of the washer-Awwww. It keeps me awake for hours. Not sure what to do about this. I know for sure I have PTSD-post traumatic stress disorder. Seriously such an awful thing to live with. I think my dreams stem from my panic and anxiety I feel through out the day)

Poppy's pretty blues eyes took me back to the day of Ollie's accident when he was hooked up to all the tubes lying lifeless on that cold bed. I remember pleading for him to wake up. I wanted his eyes to just focus on his momma and stay open, just for a minute. Just one look. I wanted to connect with him again. I wanted to see those beautiful blue eyes. I wanted everything to be okay. His eyes just kept fluttering. It was tormenting. Why couldnt he just wake up and come back to his family who loves him dearly? Why couldn't a miracle have happened? Even after losing Ollie, I still believe in miracles, we just didn't get our miracle we had hoped for.

I wonder if during that "transition time", he was fighting to come back to earth?  Was he pleading and bargaining like we were doing down here? I bet he knew everything would be alright, we just didn't and still don't.
I am told that the hearing is the last thing to go when passing away. Who knows in a drowning situation, but I'd like to think that, because I whispered sweet words to my precious Ollie boy. Sweet last words.

****

What would your last words be to someone you love????


Speaking of drowning....My mother in law called yesterday and told me she is reading this book called "Please don't let my baby die". The author, a woman who lost her 16 month old to a drowning accident in their home hot-tub, asked a doctor after wondering for many years, if her  son suffered?  I wonder this all the time too. How awful as a parent to think that your child suffered. This doctors told her that in a drowning accident the person usually blacks out and then the heart stops. So there is no suffering involved. Again who knows? I have never drowned, but it does bring me some comfort to know that you black out and I think when you black out your body is actually flooded with endorphins. I don't know anything for certain, but one thing I feel so deeply within my momma heart is that the morning of the accident Ollie was lying on the floor singing and being sombre as he was staring out the window. I still think he was looking at the angels surrounding the house that were waiting to take him home. I sure hope there is really the angels of death. The morning after Ollies accident I felt this to be true with all my heart. I believe in angels too and have felt them surrounding my home since Ollie passed away.

***I never like to leave anyone with nasty, negative thoughts...
This will make you smile.
My mom put curlers in her hair for the first time, so cute!

This is Poppy peeking out the window.


Miss Honey-badger








These are pictures of me