Wednesday, September 25, 2013


Pieces. I have been thinking a lot about my deepest feelings, and the word that keeps showing its self is, pieces. I have noticed that my small, very minute, amounts of healing have come in pieces. not all at once and these pieces don't fit together in any order, it's chaotic. Very random and irregular. I get healing from certain activities one day and the next day that activity makes me upset. Something that works for one individual doesn't work for another. Its all personal. So confusing. Grieving is constant. You can not run or hide from it. Its the BIG HUGE ELEPHANT in the room. It's always in your face and on your heavy heart. It weighs you down. It exhausts you to the point of severe depression. It's a very long process-which I have just begun. Awww. It almost seems unbearable and intolerable. Impossible. Unimaginable. UNWANTED. 

The day I found Ollie, I remember those intense, debilitating, and crippling feelings. My heart instantly shattered into one.million.tiny.pieces. 

And now 17 or so months later, I have finally begun to pick up those tiny pieces. Its been very slow. I lost myself the day Ollie died. I not only lost Ollie, I lost Tiffany. My heart died with him, but my body barley stayed alive-unwillingly. I never imagined in all of my 28 years before losing Ollie, that one could hurt this intensely and still be alive.....Well I am here to tell you that I am surviving-barely at times. I am still heart broken and always will be, but I am trying to rediscover myself and my 'new' life, one.tiny.piece at a time. 

Many friends and family see Chris and I hurting, they want to help- I know, I love taking helping others with their heavy burdens too. They want so badly to take the pain away. I woulnd't give them my pain even if I could. Its too much. Its too heavy. It hurts almost too much. Its for me. Its my 'trial', between God, Ollie and I. The best way you can help someone grieving, is to not forget them. Keep in contact with the griever. Don't let them feel alone. I feel so alone, so often. I have never felt so lonely in a world of 7 billion people, how can this be? Don't take it personal, its just what loss does to a person. Thank you sweet people everywhere-some i have never met, who have emailed, text, written letters, called and even stopped by. It helps. It heals.
Found this picture linked to this blog...couldn't find the message but the picture is great.

These griever identities are interesting.

Five identities of grievers
Nomads have not yet resolved their grief and do not seem to understand the loss that has affected their lives.
This identity is committed to preserving the memory of the loved one that they have lost.
This identity is committed to re-creating a sense of family and community.
This identity focuses on helping other people who are dealing with the same disease or with the same issues that caused their loved one's death.
This identity will adopt religious, philosophical, or spiritual beliefs to create meaning in their lives.

***I think I am a bit of all of these.