Sunday, January 5, 2014

Anxious

I drive to the NICU daily and almost always am by myself. Since the passing on of Ollie, I get anxious every time I am alone. If I am in the car alone, the bathroom, the shower or sleeping alone, I get an anxious feeling, as if I'm forgetting to do something very important. I have never really experienced this kind of CONSTANT anxiety. It never really leaves, it just lessens at times, but worsens when I am physically all alone.
I DONT LIKE THIS. 
On the drive up to the hospital today, I started thinking of the time I rode in the ambulance up this same beautiful hill with Ollie. Today, I didn't mind the drive. It was sunny and blue skies all around. I was thinking about my little miracle sitting in that isoltte at the top of the hill. 
I have a MIRACLE
The miracle we prayed and wanted so badly with Ollie is now playing for our second son, Loxxley. We prayed just as hard for little Loxxley to be healed and made whole, and he is. He is growing. It seems so slow to me as I sit and watch the clock ticking by in between my stares at my little peanut. But the days are passing and Loxxley is getting stronger everyday, as am I! I feel like not much could stop me or tare me down anymore-not too sure this is a good thing because I'm a little callused. Momma bear has been unleashed. Watch out. 

•Loxxley currently is needing more oxygen. Yesterday they trialed him off his cpap, he failed. Little guys lungs still need help. He's strong. He's fighting and I am here by his side. Sure love that little peanut. 
•His feeds are at 34ml and fortified with 4ml of human milk fortifier-helping him gain weight I guess. 
•He weighs 1710 grams 3lbs. 11.2oz.
•He is getting a follow up brain scan this evening. 
•Still kangaroo holding him daily for about 3-4 hours. 
•Loxxley is now 6 weeks old and 34 weeks corrected age.
•He is still on caffeine to help his lungs work better and a diuretic to drain the fluid on his lungs and the rest of his body. 

So I guess we continue to fight this battle we call LIFE. And as I fight, I try to see the beauty and there is so much. 
LOOK FOR THE BEAUTY 
Photo credit http://xaxor.com/photography/30743-beautiful-landscapes-a-nature-in-hdr-photos.html

I heard a great little saying today as I was listening to a talk by Jeffrey Holland-a wise and gentle leader of the LDS church.  He said, "If the bitter cup does not pass, DRINK IT."  Whoa, am I drinking it. It is full and oh so heavy to digest. 
Here is the link of the talk. He speaks about depression and the dark moments. I found some very insightful words to help me in my grief. 
http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng#watch=video

Love you all and once again thank you, thank you, thank you for your prayers and encouragement.