Tired

I am tired...again. This time I'm even more tired than before because I'm still running my emotional marathon of grief and now piled on to that is the emotional roller coaster of the NICU. Goodness sake. No time for myself. I don't mind, but how long can I do this? I guess at least with the NICU there is an end in site, with missing Ollie, it's life long and it's a physical pain.

My word, this NICU job is full time. I get up in the mornings, shower-sometimes-I know I'm awesome, make breakfast, clean up, pump, then race off to the hospital. Stay at the hospital until 7ish, pumping and holding my little man (I am holding him as I write this) while I admire his perfect features and furry body!!! Then drive a half an hour to arrive home just in time for my meal made by my special chef! Yum. I then relax for an hour and change into my pjs and fall asleep on the couch, exhausted. Where does the time go? The days go by so quickly. At least with the days passing so quickly, it takes me closer to holding Ollie-as I write this I still can't believe, accept, grasp, or understand that he isn't physically in our home to take care of. It's too much to bare. 

Loxxley is well on his way to 34 weeks-6 weeks old. It's so weird with this gestation age thing because he should stil be in my tummy. 

Poor little thing has all that 'stuff' on him. I can't wait to hold and snuggle him with out the cpap. He also has a football shaped head from the pressure of the hat. 

Today's stats

5 weeks 3 days old (33 weeks)

HR(heartrate):159

RR(respitory rate): 37

Oxygen: 94

Feedings: 30 ml

Cpap of 4: 23% 

3lbs. 9oz. 

One of the firsts times he has been wide awake while I'm there.