Monday, March 24, 2014

A horrific day in time

As I sit here and type, I hear that awful washing machine running......and think back to the day just 2 short, but oh-so-long years ago that ended in a horrible and awful earthly goodbye to our son Ollie. The raw horror and disbelief I felt as I found my child dead in my washing machine....It disgusts me in every way and with every fiber of my body to even say how Ollie died.
I am upset-upset is an understatement and hate that this EVER happened. These moments in my life are Never to be forgotten or erased from my mind. It is etched in there so perfectly, 
the smells, the intense love as we say goodbye,
 the 30 hours of pure exhaustion,
the complete chaos and panic, 
the most heartfelt and pleading prayers, 
the instant and lifelong broken heart,
the tender last moments,
the tiniest bit of hope,
 peace amidst all the pain,
the gut wrenching screams coming from my mouth as I hold Ollies hand in shear fright,
the most awful text message ever written to Ollies daddy.....
Ollies DEAD.
What a horrific day.
Your entire life can change in an instant, to never be the same again.
It is so strange and not right in any way to me that we as humans can be going about our business as mothers, fathers-just people and have one.single.event, one that can change our lives FOREVER-for better or worse. 
I actually feel bad for myself that the day of the accident, I was just being a good momma-a darn good one. I was enjoying my son and teaching him to help me. I had no idea what was about to hit me in the face and knock me to my knees, screaming in agony. I feel so bad for anyone who ever will experience this in their lifetime, and many of you reading this will, unfortunately.
For something to knock you flat on your face when you are the happiest you have been in a longtime without any warning, is quiet cruel, in my opinion. I was just minding my own business. Enjoying life and being thankful for our new move to Oregon, a new start, a new job and new neighbors. I just can't believe how life can change so drastically in an instant.


.still in shock and disbelief.


My family and I arranged to go to Ollies spot yesterday for a picnic. 
It was a beautiful day, an Ollie day!!!
 We ate lunch and then sang this song-sung by Ollies cousins at his life celebration

then we talked about memories of Ollie. I think everyone of us there had a sign that it was Ollies time to leave this mortal world. So many tender things happened the weeks before and the day of the accident.

Did Ollie know what was coming? 
I believe his spirit did-thanks Dre for pointing this out to me
but his little 2 year old body did not.

I am so blessed to be Ollies momma forever and have him to hold in the eternities. I know he is a special little guy who has touched more lives than he could have if he were alive. It is quite amazing to me that in his 2 years and by his death he touched more lives thatn most do in a lifetime. 
Whoa, what a strong spirit he is. 
He is my warrior, my reason to keep fighting. 
He gives me strength and leads me along.

.wish i could go back to that day.

.what a proud father.

Ollie boy, 
I miss you every minute of every day. I long to hold you and to kiss you, but you already know this. You know my heart, a piece of it is with you. You know my love. You know me.
I am a better person because you are a part of my life forever. 
Prepare the glorious spirit world for us, until we see you again....

Doctrine and Covenants 137:10
 “All Children Who Die Before They Arrive at the Years of Accountability Are Saved in the Celestial Kingdom” 
“Children are saved through the atonement and because they are free from sin. They come from God in purity; no sin or taint attaches to them in this life; and they return in purity to their Maker."
-Bruce R. Mckonkie