Friday, March 7, 2014


Well, this month is already creeping up on me and I am not looking forward to it. On the 23-24th Ollie will have been gone 2 years-thats longer than he was here on earth. For us on earth, time is everything and he was not here long enough. I wanted one more day, and then just one more. Two thing I was looking forward to the most right before he died were understanding his gibberish more and I was so looking forward to the day he could say, "MOMMA". I never heard it from him, but I now hear it all day, every five minutes from Poppy and I LOVE IT. I never get sick of it. The other thing I was looking forward to was seeing Ollie interact with his new sibling-Poppy. I never got to see that either. I just knew he would be so gentle and show Poppy how to be sweet and kind. I am finally experiencing these things I longed for for almost 2 years since Ollies passing.
I get to see Poppy love on Loxxley and wrap him up in a tiny blanket and ask, "momma, baby hold" and I get to hear Poppys sweet voice call out to me!!! Such small, but oh so grand events in my life that I thank God for daily.

So March? Not really any different than any other month. The pain of having a child pass on from this life is just the same as the day it happened.  2 years later, I have just learned to deal with the pain and the' sobbing moments' are less frequent, this is kind of a relief. The pain is still just as raw and tortuous. I miss him just as much. Grieving takes SOOOOOOOOOO much out of you. I am tired ALL.THE.TIME. Chris keeps wondering why he is so tired and I have to remind him he is grieving. I am seriously amazed every day that I don't shrivel up in a corner and die from a broken heart and exhaustion. Its weird to me that my body keeps going. Sometimes I wish it would die, but I know its not time and when it is time, I will be called home. Home to the God who gave me life! I hope...

This month Poppy will out lived Ollie. Poppy is still alive and well. and Loxxley is alive and well, our little miracle!!! I am so blessed and have so much, too much sometimes. My family, my God, my life and my knowledge. Pretty much the most important things. I Know I will see Ollie again, I just know it. I know he lives on. I know he waits for me. I know he helps me more than I realize. I know he is okay. I know he fights for me. He is my guardian. He is my angel until I hug him again. I know Ollies death is larger than life and larger than him and I. How could it not be? He has already touched so many lives, far more than if he were alive. Is that the purpose of life? To help others? Inspire others? Lift others? Make the world a better place?  I think so. I want Ollies death to not be in vain, so to pursue that I am trying to live the life I wish he had. I am doing things in his name and for him! I want his spirit and light to live on forever in me and in you!!!

I still can not imagine that my big boy fell into my washing machine???? Are you kidding me? I will NEVER accept it. For the first year I was numb and could talk about it, now the second year, I avoid it. It makes me physically sick, but with all my heart I believe Ollie knew what he was doing that day. His spirit was older and wiser than mine. I also believe precious children do not die before they have accomplished what they were sent to earth to do. And that goes for you and I too. We all have a beautiful destiny and course to follow. I believe that full map of the course is possible through inspiration and prayer. I have never been so open about God until my blog and losing Ollie. I have had to do some SERIOUS soul searching. I have always known he was there, but now that my son has passed on I want to know more. I want to believe with all my heart its all true. I guess that is faith. And I lean on others faith and hope quite often, so thank you!!!!

Loxxley update:
-He is gaining an appropriate amount of weight! He weighs 7lbs 5 oz.
-He is still pretty hard to feed, it takes a full half hour and he snarfles and grunts through the entire thing. Even with breastfeeding-which takes a lot longer. But he prefers the breast!
-He doesn't poop on his own. Ever 4 days I have to use a thermometer, we need to figure this out.
-He doesn't really cry, only when hes hungry. 
-Poppy LOVES him and wants to help with EVERYTHING. 

***Side note
The people who moved into our house in Portalnd where Ollie passed away, claim they have been seeing entities that appear to be blue at the foot of their bed. And that their washer and dryer turn off and on all day. Also their 2 year old son who lives in Ollies old room was scared to go in his room because there was a little boy in there. Not sure what I think about all this? If you are reading this and you are the new renters, Ollie is a nice tender boy and there is nothing to be scared of and he is here with us in Utah, we called him home as the neighbors requested-but he was always with us. I hope you find as much peace in that home as we did. May you be blessed by Ollies sweet spirit and may he watch over you.

HAPPY MARCH!!! And thats the randomness of my brain......thanks for reading!