I haven't wanted to write on my blog, (actually I haven't had a free second) becasue I have too much to talk about. Well, here it goes, my randomness of thoughts and feelings as I try to fill you all in on the last 2 weeks.....
Loxxley was released 2 weeks ago and his 85 day NICU stay is officially over.
-couldn't be more relieved, but also scared at the same time to take home a fragile preemie who needs special care-
We (and I say we because I felt like I was also held captive to the NICU), got released at 3:00pm on Sunday. The only thing I was sad about was leaving all of Loxxleys nurses who had become great friends to me, who I entrusted with my most precious baby boy, and had formed special bonds with. Caren, Belinda, Maureen, and Nicole were his primary nurses and my favorite ones!!! They always took such excellent tender care of Loxxley-and me, of course!
We will miss them all- and also all the other wonderful food service people, front desk people, and labor nurses!!! They have all left a solid imprint in our lives.
After the car was loaded-or rather jammed from top to bottom, I drove straight to the airport, picked up Chris and we were Utah bound. We were not looking forward to the 15+ hour drive due to a stop every 2-3 hours, and each stop requiring an hour break because little Loxx was a slow eater-and he choked occasionally, so I didn't want to rush him. We made our first stop after 3 hours, I was feeding him like normal-upright and kind of to the side so the milk would pool in his cheek not his throat. He all of the sudden began choking, then he stopped choking and held his breath, he turned blue of course and I began to pat him vigorously while yelling to Chris to do something. Loxxley didn't take a breath for about 20 eternal seconds. I pretty much lost it, I knew how real it was to have a child stop breathing and pass away right before my eyes. I felt like cursing the almighty. I wanted to give up then and there, run away from the car and never come back, then reality set in.
I had to keep fighting, fighting until the bitter end, just as Loxxley was.
He finally worked it out and started breathing again. It took several minutes for him to collect himself. From seeing him do this several times before at the hospital hooked up to the monitors, I bet his heart rate went down to 80 and his oxygen to about 50...scary. He was fine the rest of the way home-I was not. I couldn't stop shaking and had so much anxiety, I thought I might have to call life-light to transport him home because I wasn't capable of feeding him. We arrived at the hotel after driving about 6 hours. I was a mess the entire night and next morning.
I was horrified.
I felt as if my body was shutting down.
The next morning I was still shaking while feeding the baby and had this idea to demand my other son to be present with me and to assist Loxxley while swallowing his food without choking. I asked Ollie to give me strength to physically feed the baby and at that exact moment, I was no longer scared and I stopped shaking immediately.
I knew I could do what I had to do with Ollie by my side!!!
After 15 grueling hours of driving and staring intently to make sure Loxx was breathing, we made it home.
I walked into my parents basement apartment-yes we moved back in with the parents to catch our breath, and the peace I felt was overwhelming. The colors of my kitchen chairs, the beautiful plants, the familiarity of my "stuff" was all so wonderful.
<<<FYI: My milk the next day was complete clear water, ultra skim milk-whoa stress does a number to you physically>>>
So, the last 2 weeks have been very intense. Loxxley is a preemie and with that he requires special attention while feeding him the bottle. He is not super efficient at sucking, breathing and swallowing. It takes a lot of coordination on his part and I have to aggressively watch him for cues of choking. It's not a relaxed event like breastfeeding. He is slowly breastfeeding more and more and never chokes while doing it-so I prefer this, but as I mentioned my milk turned to water and I lost most of it after the choking incident.
The following morning after we got home my parents and Poppy got sick, so this meant no Poppy near the baby or Chris and I. She had to stay upstairs, this was pure torture. Remember, I haven't seen her for 5 weeks and before that I was on bed rest since October....poor girl just wanted her momma to hold her and her momma just needed her too-I was crumbling in Portland all alone without Ollie, Poppy and Chris. And now 2 weeks later Poppy has had a cough, got rid of it, got diarrhea and barfed, and now has a bad croupy cough again-torture, but yes, it could always be worse.
Just trusting and praying that Loxxley doesn't get sick, we have taken every precaution we possibly can besides living on top of a tree in the sky all alone. :-)
Thank you my sweet family, friends and cyber friends for all your comments of encouragement. It pulled me through the last 4 months of this short life. I love and need you more than you know.