Lately....

My little Loxx has been waking up every few hours all night long and takes little 20 minute cat naps all day. 

Yep, I get mad and depressed-way mad, only cause I get so tired and short with EVERYONE. I can hardly keep my house clean and take care of my kids. As I always say, I am EXHAUSTED---still...And I probably always will be. 

The child bearing years are tough years in itself, plus losing a child----way too much to handle, it really feels as if my body is constantly running a marathon, then having a tiny 2 lb baby preemie who had to fight for many months just to be here-I think all that actually seems like a big load. 

Most people look at me and say, "Wow Tiffany, you and Chris are doing so well, how do you do it?" 

I always tell them, "well, you dont see me at my dark moments, when I am in public, I try to put on a good fake smile."  

People just don't understand. And that's okay.

I will say though, about a handful of you that read my blog, have actually changed my grieving process for the better and lifted my burden. The kind things you have said and done for me are life changing. Your constant sweet comments of hope and courage- the key to functioning, when I read an email or comment, I get inspired to keep fighting forward with power!

Some of you just get it-even though you have never lost a child, you just are amazingly heartfelt, kind people, and I like you a lot!

Thank you, Thank you!!

I was talking to a friend the other day about depression and anxiety-two thing I have NEVER experienced until the day Ollie died-and oh did I experience these INTENSE feelings. Its interesting to me how you can not ever fully understand what someone is going through until you go through it for yourself-just as Jesus Christ did for each of us-and sometimes we may not ever go through it-thank goodness.

I have so many close family-really close, my big brother who has struggled with addiction. I do not even begin to understand this big gigantic vice that pulls you by the neck quickly into hell- I HATE ADDICTION. My brother and so many other addicts are the biggest teddy bears you will ever meet. My brother would give anyone anything. The real him is so giving and accepting. 

 >>>follow my brother on instagram-he will inspire you @soberjedi<<<

I have several friends and close family who like the same sex-they are probably my TOP FAVORITE people on earth. Some of the most giving and Christ like people EVER. I really do not understand their desires, but man I love them. and I seriously think just by showing love to someone you understand them a little better and everyone needs love, right??

I also have many friends who have lost a child, who have depression and anxiety, who are addicted to shopping, who eat too much, who have handicap children, who hate exercise, who are left homeless.....many different struggles and I can't relate to all of them, but I can be there for them as individuals. I can LOVE them. And that is what so many of you have done for me. I hope to pay it forward. My life motto until I die, Paying it forward.

Love and gentleness and understanding make the world go round. I wish people were more quick to listen and love one another. We need this as the struggles get harder and more intense in our lives. The days are getting crazier and scarier with the wars and the disgusting out breaks of Ebola..

>>>>>LOVE<<<<<

---Today was a big day for me! I got up for the first time in 2 years and made my husband BREAKFAST...Yay. I cant believe I mustered up enough energy to actually do this. Before Ollie passed away I made Chris breakfast every morning-this was something small I could do as a wife. I feel like I crossed a giant bridge today. Each day I jump over that huge milestone, I feel just a little better. And Loxxley took a 2 hour nap, which he hasn't done in like a few months. Another Yay!!

(((I hate that my life is now based on the event of after Ollie died, but that single event has changed my life FOREVER)))