Tuesday, September 2, 2014

sweet moments

My sister gave birth to a precious little boy last week,
 Harrison Daniel Truman! 
Isn't this a great picture? The morning she went into labor, my emotions were so raw and I felt such bittersweet feelings.  I began to cry when I found out Harrison had arrived, I was so happy for Ben and Sami, but it was undercoated with pain of losing a first born.

It took me back to the day my first born arrived, Ollie Kai Hebb.
I remember that day so vividly.
Ollie and I worked so hard together in our 30 hours of labor. It hurt like nothing I had ever experienced to feel each surge sweep over my entire body until he finally arrived (leaving this life was 24 hours on life support and 6 hours taking his last breaths, 30 total). The pain was almost more than I could handle and I wanted so badly to give up and quit. I was tired, I was severely exhausted beyond belief. Then after so much crippling pain, I gave one last push and I met my sweet Ollie. That was a proud moment for me-as every parent is I am sure, to hold your new baby for the first time. When Chris put Ollie on my chest, the love penetrated every cell of my body. 
The hard work was all worth it. And I would do it all over again-I hope when I get to heaven it will be like this, the pain will all be worth it, but right now it sucks.
We worked so hard, together.
He was all mine and I couldn't be happier.
Chris and I created him together. 
Our sweet first born son. 
He made me a momma. 
I felt a deep love like non other and I felt so much peace.

As we soaked in those precious first moments, we had no idea we would lose him in 2 years....the horror we would feel, the ice cold piercing pain, the devastation, the longing, the loneliness, the shock, the deep heartbreak.

Sometimes, I wish I could have known that Ollie was going to one day pass on at such a young age and warn myself that one day I would find him dead....There would have been no way to prepare for this awful event and I don't know what difference it would make, but I often wonder. I guess that is why we must cherish our moments with the ones we love. Life is so so precious and you truly don't realize it until it is suddenly taken away. It is interesting to me that one moment in the space of time, you can feel such deep love and peace-contentment and then in another given moment, you can feel such pain and devastation, such darkness. It really does a number on your body to experience such shock and horror. I will work the rest of my life trying to find that peace again. It is not yet back.Until that day, I fight and I fight hard to stay alive and live for Ollie.

"I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all."
-Alfred Lord Tennyson

Just some memories of me and my sweet boy, I sure miss him just as much as the day of his accident, I have just learned to deal with out him physically here.
--I loved uploading all of these pictures, I have not ever really looked at pictures of the two of us....

tender last kisses.....