The Hebbs: Profound thoughts

Every night as I lay in bed, Ollie comes in to my mind, sometimes not as often as I would like-I fall asleep the second I hit the pillow....I usually have profound thoughts that I feel really inspired to blog about, then I wake up and I forget them. My brain is awesome these days---not.

Maybe if I keep writing right now I will remember some of my profound thoughts...

Well, nothing is coming to mind. Haha.

Some things I do think about at night while wishing I could snuggle Ollie one last time are:

That Ollie must have been so special and a leader in heaven, when he came here he was still a courageous leader. Ollie died tragically and in a horrific way-it caught a lot of people's attention. The story is shocking and unimaginable, I think this is a way Ollie could reach more people. I often think about how Ollie touched not only his mom and dad's life and all his families lives, but more than that he has affected millions of people through out the world-by his death. This is quite profound. I am so touched Ollie could help others love more deeply, cherish every living moment, and inspire us to be just a bit better!! Ollie's death breaks my heart several times a day, but I do believe he is the lucky one. Some days I am such a mess that I want to go where he is...one day I will and I feel it's soon with the way this world is turning.

Another thing Chris and I talk about as we are laying in bed, is how grief physically feels. Chris describes it as concrete being filled up inside your heart. The heaviness is breathtaking-breathtaking in a negative way of course. The physical compression of the chest and heart hurts so intensely and is a lifelong pain. Its very restricting to the breath. It's almost too much to carry. It's always there, I guess we just get use to the heaviness and pain, like someone who has chronic back pain. It's been interesting lately to live with just Poppy and Loxxley and no Ollie, I am getting use to this new life. I don't like it, but I am living with it. What other choice do I have??? I wonder what my life would entail if I were raising Ollie and the other two?

Something else I have been thinking about lately is how inspired and meant to be life is. I totally know Poppy was suppose to be my rainbow baby after Ollie. She is such a smiley bundle of happiness and sunshine. I just laugh at her all day. I need this laughter and happiness. I sure love her. And Loxxley is just the smiliest little peanut too. Ollie was a thinker and always observed, it was hard to get him to smile. He was super serious, but oh so tender and sweet. I truly think Ollie sacrificed his smiles for my other two kids-he knew they would be here longer and that I needed them....