Way.too.long.
We are in a condo and there isn't much to do. There isn't really anything near by, so I decided to clean up. I started to gather up all our clothes and then I proceeded over to the washer....I opened it up...suddenly my tummy got sick. I missed Ollie. It ALWAYS makes me think of my sweet little boy, Ollie. I don't like this association.
I started to fill the washer with water. I just stared at the agitator.
I couldn't move.
How could Ollies entire body fit into that small space??? I just don't get it.
How?? How?? How??
And
Why?? Why?? Why??
I stared some more. This was the first time I had used a top loader since Ollie fell in. It brought me back to that horrible moment in time.
The water began to fill. I kept hallucinating that I was going to see a body inside. I kept making sure Poppy was laying down watching cartoons. And I kept reminding myself Loxxley was asleep in the other room.
I reached my hands in to see if there was enough water....then, once again my stomach hit the floor. I vividly remember putting my hands in the cloudy, cold water that day I found Ollie completely submerged. When I put my hands in this time, this day 2 1/2 years later, I was instantly reminded of that horrible day, but today is not that day. I never want to go back to that day unless I can change things and save Ollie.
Today I have two other children whom I am living for. Today I am going on, still breathing, still living. Today is a new day. Today I celebrate how far I have come since a mothers worst nightmare came true for me. Today I am stronger than I thought was humanly possible, just a bit braver, weaker in most areas, forever changed and still constantly grieving.
Today I celebrate the love I have for my 3 precious children.
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