Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Ollies Physical Possesions

Since we moved we have spent the last week unpacking everything, it has been special to look at all of Ollies precious things--and in the end, they are just things.

Darn, I want him.....

His special chest.
His spider man pj's the nurse dressed him in, his favorite handmade moccs-he wore everyday, his mascara, he always held as he slept, the underwear I proudly put him in and the teddy bear he got from his last ambulance ride.
//Tender Memories//

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My sweet friend Casey sent me this wax pieces and told us to take an impression of Ollies fingers for a future necklace. It was so weird to touch his cold, hard body and take his impressions. I knew he wasn't there, but I didn't want to hurt him. I couldn't do it so I had my brother do it. My friend later got silver necklaces made for us! Such a precious gift! 

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This folder is giant. 
It's so stupid. 
I don't like that after you have to do the hardest thing in life-saying goodbye, you still have to pay for your hospital bills. Of course the doctors deserve millions for what they tried to do, but still who wants to pay for a terrible memory and experience.

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As I opened some important papers this fell out. I hate seeing it, but it did indeed happen to my Ollie.
He did take his last breaths here upon this mortal earth. 
He has 3 death certificates--why isn't one enough? yuck
.death. 
It does not end here, I just know it. Ollie is patiently waiting in the Heavens.

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Ollie's precious hand and foot molds--One day we will get them bronzed. The nurse took these impressions for us. I didn't really want them at the time, but now I want every.single.piece of his last moments on earth. I cling to those bittersweet moments of holding him tenderly and with great sobbs saying our goodbyes, for now. I actually couldn't even find the words to speak to him. The words were stuck inside me. I knew that our spirits were communicating and Ollie knew my heart. My heart was in total shock, as well as the rest of my body. I have talked to Ollie's sweet nurse and she said I looked like a deer in the headlights. I am sure I was a mess- a total mess. I knew I had to not let out my agonizing, broken heart, motherly screams. I would not have stopped once it started, it was all too much. I was so worried about my other little baby growing inside.  She must have been feeling all this sorrow and pain. I often think about what Poppy has gone through in her short 2.5 years...poor thing. I have to remind myself to be patient with her.


///This morning we were all having our morning snuggles in our bed. I said to Poppy, "this is fun, we are all here snuggling" Poppy hugged me tightly and said, "mom I wish Ollie was here with us" in a tender, sad voice. She's so precious and I know she misses her brother.