Friday, March 20, 2015

Leaving your child behind.....

Chris and I recently took a spur-of-the-moment camping trip to the big island of Hawaii. We decided not to take the kids so we could enjoy each other and get some rest--I'm actually way more tired since my return always works out like that. My parents agreed to watch our dogs and kids so we met them half way in Elko to do the exchange. I knew my kids would be in good hands and I knew the worst could happen--they could die. I still was okay with leaving them.
And you know how I was okay?
Because I believe one thousand fold that Heavenly Father is in control of our lives. I know many would disagree with this, hopefully one day you will understand the POWER of GOD.

He is real.
He is all knowing.
He is all powerful.
And He is also all loving!

As Chris and I got home after dropping our children off, I suddenly found myself with nothing to do. I felt helpless and lost. My house was quiet and clean. I couldn't really do much and packed my clothes quickly--I ended up forgetting a lot. It took my straight back to the day we came home after leaving Ollie's precious body at the hospital to prepare for his burial.

How is a parent expected to just walk away and leave their child???
It was nearly impossible.
It almost killed my soul.
The life was sucked from my body and we were exhausted.
The only way we could leave Ollie's body behind was knowing he was not present....He was somewhere else. His spirit was clearly missing and I know it went home with us that day and has never left!

I remember dragging ourselves out of the hospital with crushed hearts and our heads hung low.  We didn't even know what to do next. We felt completely broken to the core. I got in the car and the first thing we had to do was remove the car never again be used by Ollie--my heart broke again.

When we arrived home, I saw all of his toys organized in his play room--my friends organized my house before we got home, his clothes hanging in his closet to never be worn again by him, all his earthly possessions....and all I wanted was Ollie. They meant so much to me because it was all I physically had of him. Thinking back of walking into my house it felt so empty but there was a stillness and beauty very present. My ward had put flowers in every single room, cleaned everything and brought food over.  I remember thinking Ollie had gone around the house before we arrived and sprinkled his warm spirit through out--it truly felt like this amidst all the pain and sorrow. There were also daffodils all over the yard in bloom and the sun was shining brightly. It was a glorious day in heaven for Ollie's arrival--I am sure if this. People were so kind to us. This kindness is why I am breathing today. I will forever try to show this love until I take my last breath here upon this earth. The darkness felt that day was so painful and I am grateful that today is not that day, I have come so far. Yes the PAIN is still very alive in my soul but I try to extinguish it with happiness and faith.

Oh how I miss my baby boy more than any word could ever express and with my earthly eyes, I hate the day he died and went into the next realm. Part of me believes it was far more glorious than I can imagine for him to enter into heaven. 

Today I am grateful to be home safe and sound with my Poppers and Loxxers. They mend my wounded heart.