Wednesday, April 1, 2015

The Small Things

At night I do most of my thinking as I lay in bed and wonder how my life got suddenly so twisted. Oh, yes the big elephant is still there--Ollie's death.

Remember that big pivotal moment that changed the fate of my family forever? 

It still stings. 


The pressure in my chest is still there, the ability to take deep breaths is still lacking, and the shock is still very real. 

I know these feeling will never go away but, they have lessened as I learn to live with the shock, the pain and the loss of breath. 

My life has always been about the simple things. I am very simple in my dress, my hair and my desires. I like this and it works for me. Now, after Ollie's transitioning heavenward, it is an even deeper drive to be more simple and see what really matters in my life. I have just begun to wear mascara. That was ALWAYS the one item of make-up I wore...until that unbelievable day. I have not worn it in 2.5 years--mostly because I would cry it all off hourly. I tried to look at myself in the mirror those first few months, I just couldn't--I felt too vain.
My son just died.
How could I stare at myself?
Why would I care about myself looking good?
I have since thought a bit different nonetheless, I still feel a bit guilty primping myself. I'm not sure why, I just do. And seriously I'm not saying if you dress up and look good you are being vain, I just choose not to focus so much attention in that area--I just can't. 

So the simple things?

This is what I focus on now even more. 
Deep connections. 

Not stuff'.
For some reason after Ollie died, 'stuff' really weighed my mind and body down. I felt like if I couldn't have Ollie, then I didn't need all this materialistic stuff.
And in the end we can not take any of it with us.....ONLY OUR EXPERIENCES AND KNOWLEDGE. That's it. 

The simple things in life will one day add up to be the big things.

Make the small things count today. You NEVER get this day again.


Today Poppy and I were talking about Easter, Jesus, resurrection, and Ollie. I told her Jesus died like Ollie and He was resurrected so that we can all be a family forever one day in heaven. She listened politely and attentively. Then she quietly told me she needed to show me something. We both walked over to a picture we have of Jesus and a little boy--we say it's Ollie. She pointed out Jesus and Ollie. It felt as if it were her testimony to me that she knows where Ollie is. It was a matter-of-fact. She then began to tell me how Jesus and Ollie were holding hands in heaven. It was just so tender. I told her they are in heaven together and we will be there soon only because of Jesus dying and raising again.