The Hebbs: Christmas in Utah

Chris, Poppy and I decided to drive to Utah so we wouldn't be lonely, cold and sad up here in Oregon. Last Christmas was so much fun. My family drove up here to be with us.
OLLIE was here. Darn.
That pretty much sums up why it was better, but now Poppy is here and Ollie is not...

So BITTERSWEET-My new favorite hated word. Its my new life.

Anyway, Utah was great! It basically consisted of family lovin on Poppy, yummy food, winter wonderland, skiing, giving out our Ollie tie-dye shirts to the family, eating with Quincy's parents, and lots of Christmas lights and decorations and thinking of Ollie, of course.

Our vacation started at 8:30pm on Saturday the 22nd.
Can I just say?
Driving all night long is the best thing ever. Poppy didnt make any noise, slept the entire time, didnt eat and no changing a diaper. She is such a sweet little girl. This is the way to travel with small children. Yes it was hard for Chris and I to stay awake but so worth it.

I missed my sweet toddler Ollie Kai Hebb so much over the holidays, but I did have a peace and felt him near us. It was hard to drive to Utah without him. I feel like I left him somewhere. Where is he? I have anxiety sometimes thinking he is missing. I never knew how much I could miss him, until he left us just 9 months ago.

TIME has just kept going here on earth. For Ollie it stopped.

It was wonderful to visit Ollies stupid headstone on Christmas Eve. It was quite peaceful and wonderful to be at the cemetery and see all the other families honoring their loved ones who have passed on. My parents set up luminaries around Ollies headstone. It was beautiful. But ugly at the same time. So disgusting, but so peaceful.

I couldnt stop crying.

All these emotions I felt at the same time. So confusing.

My dad then suggested we sing "Silent Night". I was mad. I didn't want to sing. I just cried and listened as my sweet family tried to sing amongst all the tears.

It was sure a great time to be around family and feel of their love. Christmas was nice but I was missing something, I'm sure there will always be a whole but I do feel joy.

***THANK YOU TO SANTA'S HELPERS-who left presents on my parents door. You are so kind. We LOVED everything. Your so very thoughtful. We will pay it forward!

We arrived home to see our driveway full of wood.....WOW. another nice gesture.
THANK-YOU to the anonymous person who left the wood surprise.
I wont be freezing anymore.
We heat our house by the wood-burning-stove, as I have mentioned before.

A few pictures:

Getting snuggles from Grams

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A much needed breath of fresh air

Skiing at Sundance.

Thanks CODY JAMES BARKER. AKA #Chief

Every time I go skiing I think I am tougher and in better shape than I really am. I am famous for pointing to a mountain in the distance and saying to Chris" lets go climb that and ski down". We do it every time and I end up not skiing so well. This particular time it was a double black diamond and full of fresh powder..I know it was a dream for Chris(who is an amazing skier) but for me I almost cried. I did manage to ski the entire way down with a few falls and at the end Chris said I did great...He's funny and so patient with me.

It felt amazing to ski in the sun and have the wind hit my face. I loved it!

Eating lunch at the lodge and warming my feet!

This is hiking to our gnarly ski down

Relaxing in the sun before our powder ski

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Our Ollie shirts we made for our family. Chris and I did the tie-dyeing and our awesome friends silk-screened them. I think they look cool. I hope everyone liked them like we do. Its just one other way to honor Ollie and remember him through-out our days. We all missed him but this made him feel a little closer.

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Quincy's (Ollies angel buddy) family came to eat dinner with us, Brady, Angie and Ryder Draper. We had a great time. It was nice to talk and remember our special children at this happy/sad time of year. Angie and I are buds now and so are Ollie and Q!