Wednesday, January 30, 2013

not so percet life

Today I am bummed that life is not a fairy tale, and you dont "live happily ever after"-maybe once we die, we do. We were all tricked. lol. My entire 29 years I have always been positive and happy. Nothing could bring me down, until Ollie dying in my arms. So so sad and intense. I hate that I really went through this trauma. It has forever changed my life and my heart. I guess I have been oblivious to "real" life and trials for the past 29 years, actually I think I just had a wonderful childhood and I am so blessed.
My life growing up was amazing and I had what I thought was the "perfect" life. My parents never got divorced, my mom stayed at home to cook and take care of us kids, while my dad provided for us. I never or very rarely saw my parents fight, us kids got along and I dont remember much fighting, and we even went on family vacations frequently. My entire extended family on both sides lived near, so we got together for family parties often. My great-grandparents death was the only family funeral I attended, both sides of my grandparents are still alive. I could ride my bike with my friends to the fruit stand and get an entire bag of penny candy, I dont feel like I had too many responsibilities growing up (we did have chores every.single.day-and I passed this onto Ollie-he already had chores-like picking up his toys and putting something in the garbage daily :-)), I could just be a kid! My childhood was great. I am and was so blessed to grow up that way in a fairly "normal to me" home. I guess the way anyone grows up is "normal" to them.
What im trying to express is, that I always thought life was suppose to be like in the movies, "and they lived happily ever after." Why do all the movies end like this? What if our life isn't like that? I want to have that fairly tale life and be blogging about my "perfect" life. My childhood was perfect but my adult life is not. I might change my blog title to "my not so perfect life."
Sometimes I get envious-I try not to but I do just a little-when I see other blogs that make their life appear to be perfect-I know everyone has their own trail or trials. They have all of their children living-the most envious thing for me of course.
I just want my Ollie back in his mommas arms-where he should be. I would give up my entire life to have him back. Going through this trial I have learned our lives are not meant to be "picture perfect." If they were, we would not grow and be molded into our final beautiful piece of artwork. I do believe my hard trials in life will one day make me strong. No, I wont ever have the typical fairly tale life-maybe I had that growing up and that was all I get-but I will accept and love my new and unexpected life. I know when my life is over I will have far more joy than I ever imagined.  Just thinking about the reunion with Ollie makes my heart almost jump with excitement. Oh how blessed, blissful, bright, golden, cheerful, content, glad, elated, euphoric, stoked, felicitous, joyful, joyous, fortunate, glad, happy, excited I will be. These words don't even do justice in describing that day.
Until then, I am going to make the best of my broken heart and turn it over to God. I learned this a few years ago when my brother was going through addiction classes. They said to admit you are helpless and turn it over to God. I love this. It really makes your life easier and not your own. God is in control. I know this. I am thankful for my wonderful "perfect in my eyes" childhood, and I am thankful for my life now to one day make me stronger than I ever imagined.
For now I am weak. I am sad. I am broken-hearted. I must push on. I must have faith and I must live in the present moment.

Things I tell myself daily
*It will all be okay one day
*Live in this moment
*Breathe
*Think of others, someone always has it worse
*Pray, Pray, Pray- I have a constant prayer in my heart for myself and all the other grieving mothers that we will make it through one more day with out our precious child.

 **Lately I have been thinking what really makes me happy and allows me to feel peace amidst my grieving? I have to find those things and hold onto them.