where is he?
i can't stop saying this out loud. I go to bed thinking this and wake up thinking this. i know where is earthly body is, but wheres my spunky little Ollie? he is not here in my arms so he has to be somewhere. he's not playing with Poppy or swinging out back with his daddy. why? why? why? he should be.
death?
my mind can not understand.
where? why? how?
my family has never even faced death, only our old grandparents. that is the natural order, not a small child, not my child. Ollies death has come as such a shock and i think my brain and body are still experiencing this shock. the shock and images in my head of seeing him in that stupid stupid hated washing machine are sick and horrifying. my precious child was freakin stuck in there. yuck. yuck. yuck. why this way to his death? i would rather be doing all my laundry down by the river on some rocks in the sunshine.
so i got that crap off my chest.
thanks. and sorry.
i believe and know our spirits must go on. we don't just die and nothing happens. our life would be for not. i do know this for sure. Ollie does go on, and he is accomplishing great things in heaven. i feel this in my momma heart. a piece of my heart is with him.
**this life is beautiful and a special gift from god. live every day like its your last day. really what would we accomplish if we thought it was our last day to live upon this earth?
speaking of beautiful.....my brother Cody Barker (#chiefwatergiver, @theamerican-follow him)
is doing beautiful things. giving life through water. simply amazing. simply beautiful.
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Hi there sweet mama :)
ReplyDeleteAs a mom who buried her child almost 5 years ago I want to let you know that it will always SUCK. It will always suck BIG.
But...it won't always feel like it does now. All consuming grief-ugh!
The sun will start to shine again and you will feel the warmth of the blue sky. It will just be a different life than you wanted. But it can still be good.
My son died a horrific death that was like a bad episode of ER. I saw things that I shouldn't have seen. I watched him go code blue in my arms as I was feeding him a bottle and making plans for him to go home. I watched as they pounded on my 25 day old baby doing CPR and I watched as they cut open his chest...These images will never leave. Ever. But they aren't all consuming like they once were.
I just wanted to share with you that there is hope for a good future. I know that you can't see it now (it took me a few years) but it will come:)
Hugs,
Trisha
No need to apologize for sharing your feelings. This is your space, and we are here to support you and lift you up and listen. It sucks, yes indeed it does. And yes, it is so incredibly shocking! Love to you today, and to Trisha, and to all of us who miss our kids. xoxo
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing you deep inner thoughts. This is very therapeutic for you. And actually for me reading it. Not a day passes that I don't think about losing my Dad. I hate that I literally watched him slowly deteriorate and die for 2 years. Every time, towards the end, coming in his room to watch his chest and hold my breath until his chest would rise slowly and fall again. He's still alive. He can still hear me. Then...in the middle of the night he coughed and coughed until his lungs filled with fluid and he suffocated. Then he was gone. Until we meet again. Kind of morbid, but I hope you know things will get better. Its a daily struggle. Keep moving forward. Each day is one day closer to being reunited with Ollie. I love you Tiff. xoxo, Sarah-Dawn
ReplyDeletehugs to all that are hurting right now. so many and not enough hugs to go around. xoxoxoxo
ReplyDeleteTo all you beautiful ladies who have suffered loss, please stay in touch with each other & know that when we share our burdens, they're not quite so heavy. Tiffany, I wish I was with you in the sunshine in the river washing clothes too!
ReplyDelete