Wednesday, February 20, 2013

its just too much

yeah pretty much i'm sad. i haven't written on my blog because its just too much. its too much to sit and think about having a son named Ollie. to write about him and even thinking about him just brings sadness to my heart and now hes not here. it just hurts my heavy heart. i can't write about him.  i have been having nightmares about him. i wish i would have beautiful dreams about him and where he is. i just wish. wishes don't come true sometimes. but i am praying for peace and a happy dream. it will come, i just know it. fyi-life is not a perfect fairy-tale. i really use to think this. but i do see so much beauty amidst the dark. poppy. chris. my family. ocean. blue sky. flowers. sunshine. my home. true friends. so much to love and enjoy. but oh so sad at the same time. im trying to go on. im really fighting this demon. i will win. it will not bring me down. i will rise above and be made stronger then ever. but for now i am weak.

on a happy note:
chris and i went to the ocean yesterday. it was so sunny and beautiful. my parents called and said they put money in our account so we could have a fun day. wow. thank you parents. its the little things. we went to the ocean and hiked along the coast. we felt OLLIE near us and we sure enjoyed the sun on our cold-white-oregon-skin. the beauty was much needed. sitting at home day after day sure does get my spirits down, so this hike was very much enjoyed. POPPY was so pleasant (as usual) she loved every minute of her daddy hiking with her close to his heart. on the hike, chris and i talked about ollie, god and heaven a lot. it was nice. we felt so relaxed as we watched the ocean roaring and ever so powerfully breaking on the steep cliffs below. it was one of the best days i have had in a very long time. we finished off the day with a nice dinner at skooners.

i really believe this is how i will get through my grief and enjoy this life. nature and my family.
here are some pictures. enjoy the beautiful colors.



Cove Lookout
waiting patiently for us to load the car






it was a happy day









she loved snuggling her dad








Ollie was shinning through




skooners restaurant


cooked oysters with spinach, grilled onions and bacon. yum



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on another happy note:
the other day i was sobbing. i decided to plead with heavenly father to lighten my burden, i was at my wits end. i just needed strength to get through that day. i was falling and sinking. i live minute to minute sometimes. then my sweet Christopher showed up with a dozen yellow roses. they sure warmed my heart. we think as i was praying ollie ran over and told his daddy that his momma was having a hard day. ollie and god are aware of us.



my sweet friend ANGIE had these made for me. i love them.