Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Oh So Long, But Oh So Short

Coming up the end of this week, it will mark a year since my sweet Ollie Kai Hebb left this earthly experience and went to be with his father in heaven-the father who gave him life.
March 23rd was the accident and the 24th he died. cold. cold. cold day that was. my heart was broken. shattered. torn and crushed. the phone call I never wanted to make.

I text Chris:

what a scary text. what a scary day. such awful and extreme feelings.

Really? I had to text this to Ollies sweet daddy who was so excited to experience the joys of being a daddy and also to watch his son have a daddy. Our son really died? Just no words for the feelings that day.

We really had to call Ollies Grandparents who adored him and just-couldn't-get-enough of him and tell them their worst nightmare had come true....that their grandson Ollie, was dead. Seriously? This is the worst phone call you could possible make or receive. I cant imagine their pain at that moment or their thoughts, but I do know it was similar to mine and oh so intense. crippling. devastating. unbearable. unreal and unwanted. these words do not even describe the intensity of it.

Im so so sorry I had to be the bearer of bad news. Im sorry I couldn't save sweet Ollie, Im sorry mom for breaking your heart, Im sorry Sandy for making you pass out in nordstom, Im sorry dad for crushing your dreams of Ollie becoming a great fisherman-he is now a fisher of man in heaven. Im sorry Chris for destroying your dreams of teaching Ollie to swim and be by your side all the days of his life. Im just sorry that day ever happened..... 

 Where has the year gone? 

It seems as if it was just yesterday I was on the floor playing with him in the kitchen for 3 days straight while he was learning to go potty, he was such a big boy already.  I remember taking a bath with him and admiring his tender giggles as he splashed me with water, we sat in the tub for an hour sometimes. I remember him picking berries ever so carefully with his tiny fingers and teaching him about the thorns, he thoughtfully picked the ripe ones. I remember him look at the moon pointing  and say, "luna-spanish for moon." I remember just like yesterday, getting him dressed every morning and his tender face looking at his momma with love. I knew he adored me just like I adored him. Our love was so deep and special. I was so excited to be his momma. I was excited to show me sweet baby boy the world and the beauties I enjoyed. Ollie and I went everywhere together. He was my little buddy. Chris was traveling a lot so Ollie and I spent a lot of precious precious time together with just the two of us. When we moved to Oregon we stayed in a lot while it was raining, we didnt even get dressed sometimes, we just played all day long. I never got sick of him. He was a tender and gentle little boy.

My sweet Ollie was:
Too Pure, Too Lovely, To Live On Earth. (Not fair to have such a perfect child that they cant be here, I sometimes don't want a perfect child for my selfish reasons. I know he is happy and enjoying himself though)

As I think about these memories of Ollie, it seems as if it was just yesterday, but also it seems as if it was a million years ago that I held him and kissed him. Oh how I miss him. I never, ever knew the deep love between a mother and a son until having a child. It is unlike anything I have ever experienced. I love being a mother! My love is so deep and never ending for my Ollie (and my Poppy) that my grief is oh so deep. My grief connects me to Ollie. It hurts oh so bad so often, but it makes me know my love was as deep as the grief.  

Without the love there would be no grief.  

As you watch this video, notice how happy all of us were. 
As we watched it just now while uploading it, we sat and sobbed....
such extreme feelings, such polar opposites.

A few of Chris' favorite memories of his son:
*When Chris would get home from work, he would sit on the floor to play with Ollie. Ollie would turn himself around and back up into Chris and sit his bum on his daddy's lap.

 *Ollie would look out the front window around the time Chris got off work, as soon as he would see the jeep, Ollie would run as fast as he could to the back door yelling and screamung with excitiement. When he got to the back door I would help him get his red chair and push it up to the window so he could see Chris. Ollie would get so happy and grin from ear to ear waiting with anticiaption until CHris came through the door. Ollie loved when daddy came home. It was actually the highlight of my day. and theirs too of course.

*Chris would go out back and chop wood-which I hear him doing as I sit here and type-and Ollie absolutely loved to help. As Chris would chop the wood into smaller pieces Ollie would pick a piece up that was almost as big as him, and bring it to me to put in the house. He was so cute. He could barely carry it but he didn't give up until he reached me. He was our little helper with everything. (It makes me sad, he died doing what he loved, helping.)


Today there is blue sky and sun. I feel ok today. I have cried so much in the last few days I am not sure I have tears left. 

****Yesterday I didnt a follow-up interview with Koin News, I will post a link to watch it later. If you are local to Oregon it will be on channel 6 @ 11pm Friday night.