Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Just writing it down

 I don't write much on my blog because most of the time I have too much to say and my mind is overwhelmed with grief. I cant ever seem to organize it in my head so maybe I will try and just ramble. 

In the past year I have had so many new thoughts, feelings, emotions, pains, joys and experiences that I never thought I would or could have. I feel joy for a moment as I watch Poppy start to walk or giggle ever so cutely, then I am instantly overcome with sadness as my little Ollie is not here to see these tender interactions. I am sure he can still see her from heaven, but I wanted to see them interact. I have never felt the intense explosion of my heart wanting to burst right out of my chest-due to pain, but also my heart is engulfed with unimaginable love from friends, family and even strangers when I receive a warm email or text or gift. When I am in the many moments of despair, it weakens me to the point of falling to my knees. This is a rather interesting thing. When we are literally hunched over from grief and pain, and no longer able to stand, this is when our Savior reminds us to ask Him, in prayer to remove this burden or to at least  help carry it and make it bearable. So many afternoons I find myself unable to function, everything is going wrong and I am so angry at the situation my life is in......then I humble myself and plead with our Father in Heaven to allow His son to remove my pain. It works only after a heart-felt, sincere pleading prayer-while weeping of course. I have never experienced this with such intensity as I have in the last year. I am thankful for the ways I have been strengthened as a mother, friend, daughter and wife. Yes I have been strengthened through my pain, but also I have become more bitter and angry. I tolerate others weaknesses less and I am mad at my new life. I hope to rise above those not-so-nice qualities and become more like Ollie and Christ.
Baby steps. Tiny tiny baby steps.

Sometimes I find myself wondering if there is really a heaven? Is there really a God? Does Ollie still live? Does God care about me? Does He hear my prayers?

Then small miracles happen in my life that testify of Gods realness and love for me. It is through Him that I am able to stand today and to look forward with faith and endure this cruel (but oh so beautiful) life without a part of my heart. Wow it stings. It stings every fiber and organ in my body. I have this new heavy heart. Chris once explained it to be like a brick on your chest. Oh it's so heavy and hard to carry. I will say by the love from others-you reading this-I am carried through my grief. I thank you again. Really. I can't do this alone. It is a hard one.

Imagine your child left at the store, or lost at the store....imagine your worry, the intense anxiety. I feel this most of my days. Yes it leaves but only for minutes, then it returns quickly to knock me over again. Seriously sometimes I just can't do it. How? Why?Why the washing machine? Why Ollie?

I wonder in heaven if Chris and I stepped forward to say we would take this trial? We thought we could handle it??? Seriously? What were we thinking? Maybe Ollie chose it?

I can't wait to return to that God that gave me life and forget all about this non-sense that most of us consume our short lives with. Are "things" really important? Nope. Are relationships? Yep. How we treat people? Yep. Our knowledge we obtain? Yep again.

***I want so badly to be a homesteader!!! I have loved this kind of life since I can remember. So simple. So back to nature. Raw. Real. So me. I don't care about fashion, I dont live for fame, or crave new things, I just want to live simply so others may simply live! One day.

But I am living in the moment? Here and now. Here and now is waiting for the oil change on my 85' chevy truck, listening to the grunge music in the back ground and watching the fire truck wiz by to probably save someone and remembering those feelings the day of the accident...yucky. So sad.

** “These are they who are just men made perfect through Jesus the mediator of the new covenant, who wrought out this perfect atonement through the shedding of his own blood” (D&C 76:65, 68–69).

Because Jesus Christ broke the bands of death, all of the children of Heavenly Father born into the world will be resurrected in a body that will never die. So my testimony and yours of that glorious truth can take away the sting of the loss of a beloved family member or friend and replace it with joyful anticipation and firm determination.
-Henry B Eyring-Jesus Apostle