Saturday, June 1, 2013

Random thoughts

I had a big long post written up and then my computer froze...I lost it all. It was a sad and angry email. I guess it's better it got erased.

I have been thinking lately-as I have a pity party all day everyday-how I am surrounded by little boys. Everywhere I go,  there are only little boys-no girls. Poppy and I go to a play group and there are about 12 boys, Poppy and one other girl. I just get so sad. All my friends I use to have and some I still have after losing Ollie, all have boys. It would be so much fun to have Ollie be around all of his buddies, but mostly his family. It's just not the same and it never will be. It's so hard to accept that my friends who have boys the same age as Ollie now don't call or call very little. Our lives are different now. But on a happy note, I have so many new friends (along with my new life), some amazing people have come into my life through losing Ollie. People I have never met, but we are best Facebook or Instagram friends. It a weird social media friendship, but very real and so heartfelt and much needed. Thank you!

This all feels as if I am starting over in my life as a mom. I worked hard on raising my 2 year old. Ollie could wipe up spills and sweep the floor, he always picked up his toys, he never threw a fit-ever, he was getting so smart and so big. I was so excited for my first son to teach his sister the things I worked so hard on with him. I was excited for Ollie to hold Poppy's hand while in their car seats-Ollie screamed every time in his seat. I could keep naming the things I missed out on, but that's way-too-depressing. 

So I start over as a mother of one, and can't wait until I have two. 

**Today at the grocery store a lady was admiring Poppy and asked like so many people do "is that your only child?" Not sure why I get this so much? But I told her I had a 2 year old who had died. She then told me she had 6 miscarriages, one was a stillborn and one of her daughters had a cord wrapped around her neck and is now severely mentally challenged....This lady made me think to count my blessings. I really am so grateful for what I do have. It could always be worse.