Tuesday, September 10, 2013


I have been very distracted, but also very aware of my longing for Ollie this last week. I had been surrounded by friends and family at my little brothers beautiful wedding last weekend. It had been a wonderful distraction from my aching heart to help with the final details of the wedding. And now this week I am preparing the final deatils of the the memorial run. It has been so much work, but a great way to channel my hurting heart into something positive. I am very excited for the race, I just cant stop thinking about the fact that Ollies middle name is "Kai" meaning ocean, sweet Ollie drowned in water and my little brother saves lives through water. No coincidence.

I still shed many tears even though I have had many distractions and even sobbed uncontrolably 2 times.

One of those times I was just driving in the car with my mom to pick up some pictures that I had seen many times before of my aunt and Ollie who have both passed away, to have on display in remmebrance at the wedding. My mom and I both just started sobbing and wondering why Ollie couldn't be with us? We thougth it was stupid and unfair we had to even be buying pictures to remember them. Why did he have to leave? We miss him so much and just don't understand. We cried all the way from the car, the entire walk into Costco, picking up the pictures, paying and all the way back to the car. Our hearts made a connection of the longing for our sweet Ollie. Its just what it is and I fight every day to learn to live with this hole. I guess over a year and a half I have learned a little better how to deal with the shock of not having my 2 year old child right next to me grabbing my leg and calling me momma. I have learned to deal with the fact that Ollie Kai Hebb is never coming back to earth until his body is ressurected in full glory. I don't like dealing with any of these but I have to.

The other sobbing moment-where it felt like time stopped, was at the wedding. It was such a tender moment, but such a bitter one as well-bittersweet this life I live. There were two friends who had little boys right around the same age as Ollie. So of course I went over to them. I stared at them long before I decided to go try to give them a hug. I finally walked over to Hawk. He was so dang cute. I asked him for a hug, he bear hugged my neck, then I asked him for a kiss, he kiss my cheek. Then I just held him and sniffed him and felt his hair, his hands, and his tiny body. I cried. I sobbed. I missed Ollie so much. My heart broke. My heart tore but I felt Ollie so close and through this little child Ollie was hugging his momma. I felt what my 3 year old should have felt like.  It was a tender moment. I cherrish it. I saw another little boy, Cope. He was so tiny, around Ollies age. I also asked him for a hug. He said yes in his tiny voice, then I squeezed him and squeezed him and sniffed him too. With both of the boys they never pulled away from my mauling until I put them down. I truly believe that children are so close to heaven that they could sense Ollie and they could sense my need for a huge hug. I believe this with all my heart.
To all my greiving mother friends...try huggin children around your childs age....It might heal your heart in ways you never thought possible, but it might break your heart for a moment too. Such polar opposite feelings all at the same moment in time. How can this be?

Just a cute picture of Chris when he was younger-when he had no worries or heart aches. It interesting in life how you never can imagine how your life will be. Or how hard it will be. Or how sad.
Look how happy he was with his nephews. I guess its better we dont know what the future holds or we might give up right now, I would have given up long ago.