Friday, November 8, 2013

Always pondering on life

Friday November 8, 2013

I have currnetly been in this hospital for 2 weeks now.
 Never thought I would make it more than 2 days, with the loss of amniotic fluid, ruptured membranes and all the bleeding. I really had no idea that a baby could survive inside the womb without amniotic fluid. 
It just amazes  me.
It really is a miracle that babies are born with all their toes, fingers and a working heart!
They really are true miracles from heaven.
Prayers have been answered to keep this baby inside me, growing and developing.

Baby Update
*25.5 weeks gestating this little peanut
*Symptoms are still the same-which are none
*Doppler and vital checks every 4 hours in the day
*2 fetal monitorings a day for 30 minutes or longer if the baby has a dip in heart rate-today it dipped when I had a tiny contraction, so that is bad. They kept me on for an extra hour to make sure it didn't happen again. Of course when there is no amniotic fluid the risk for stillborn increases quite significantly. The baby can easily compress its cord and die within minutes. By the grace of God the baby will hopefully be ok. Things are still very scary and uncertain and that is why we choose to trust.

Guess who has a hot date tonight??
Chris and I!
Any ideas as what should I wear?
oh wait, I'll wear my sweatpants and t-shirt with my bright purple fuzzy socks, I hope he does't mind

I am so excited. I miss him so much, hes my buddy-and my private chef!
He is going to sleep over at the hospital with me!!! 
We might go on a wheelchair ride-seriously so cool, go to Starbucks,  look at the Portland skyline, or pay a visit to the NICU-oh, and snuggle of course.
Never thought this would be my exciting date night with the hubby, but I am happy.
Chris and I were talking the other night how this life we are now living is not exactly what we imagined when we were younger. We never knew we could hurt so intensely and feel so much pain. Such a hard reality for us to accept.
I always imagined finding a loving husband and having children, but never, ever imagine all the gigantic mountains to climb all  along the way.

As I sit here, I also think about how stressed out I was before I came into the hospital. I remember telling my mom for several mornings that I was at my breaking point with grieving, with Chris' jobs not working out, thinking of the rainy weather and preparing for the cold house, being lonely in Oregon, sitting in my house most days-depressed...not a healthy environment.
 I often found myself sobbing desperately on my knees missing my sweet Ollie.
Every fiber of my precious body was/is aching, longing and grieving to hold my baby boy.

*So longing to kiss those precious lips and nose, rub that tender skin and stare into those
 beautiful bright blue day* I have tried very hard since being in the hospital to focus on this baby now growing  inside me and getting it here safely. I honestly don't think my body could handle that pain of weeping uncontrollably. That deep, deep pain that acts as if my heart is crushed slowly by a heavy brick. I have not let grief overtake my body in that way. Yes, my heart is still severely aching, but I don't let it lash out as extremely. I am sure I will once the baby arrives. I am focused on this babe and the thought that my precious angel, Ollie is proactively helping from the other side!

My sweet Ollie,
 be with us, make us better individuals, more compassionate, more loving and more gentle.
Inspire us to do good things.
 Encourage us to endure.
Heal our broken, lonely hearts.
 Enlighten our minds with hope and faith. 
Guide us back to you.