Sunday, October 12, 2014

Not so kind

I am not so kind sometimes.

Lately, everyone I talk to on the NICU floor, seems as if their story is so horrible. Like the lady who's child had been in the NICU for only one week and she was so upset and devastated that it wasn't home yet. She said her son was suppose to go home any day. Or how about the grandma whos twin grandchildren were just born and one would be in the NICU for a day. They were so devasted and could't believe this was happening. I began to feel bad for myself. My life story just seems so horrible. and so not fair. When I tell people about the events that have taken place in the last 2 years, I just don't believe it is my life. My new life, my unwanted new life.

Sometimes I catch myself thinking to the random person in the elevator as they speak of their current situation....
well, at least your child didn't die
or 
7 days , that's not so bad compared to 100 days in the NICU
or 
at least you have some family near by to help watch your kids....

I don't mean to be so callused, but I am. 
I watched my child die.
I rode in an ambulance while my son lay in the back hooked up to tubes fighting between this world and heaven.
I washed my little guys tender body and dressed him in spider-man pjs for the last time.
I held him while he took his last breath in this life.
I kissed every inch of his dying body until I almost had a heart attack and died myself. 
I planned a funeral, my little boys funeral.
I picked out songs to be sung by Ollie's cousins at his life celebration.
I laid my precious 2 year olds body to rest.
I now have a spot to visit my deceased sons headstone. 

No, not hard things at all.....
I know everyone seems as if what they are going through is the worst. And it is to that person. I really do have compassion, but I also try to let others see that it could always be worse. I know I am not the one who needs to make others aware of this, but sometimes I do it anyway. I tell myself daily that it could be worse. I am thankful for what I do have. What I do know! The knowledge of seeing my little bug again. Eternal families, heaven and God.

Now on to some happier things.

Loxxley Koakai Hebb
I went and snuggled skin to skin with my little peanut for 3 solid hours. My back always hurts when I am finished because I try and move as little as possible so he will get the best uninterrupted sleep.
Oh, the sacrifice of a mother. Pretty much the entire 3 hours, I stare at his tiny face and his perfectly developed body. I pray for his body to heal and for him to feel peace and love from his big brother Ollie. Oh, I sure love my peanuts. Loxxley looks just like Ollie and Poppy!!!!
I cant wait until I can snuggle him and not feel like he might die. Everyday is nerve racking. I still catch myself taking big deep breathes all.day.long. I don't sleep well and my entire body is in tense knots. I don't eat well either-actually daddy bear feeds me well when I do have time to eat. I am always pumping and racing out the door. When I get it in my head that I am going to see Loxxley at the hospital, nothing can stop me or get in my way. If my schedule gets messed up by me forgetting to pump or waking up too late or the normal Portland traffic, I get irritated and antsy until I arrive at the hospital. 
In every picture he pretty much looks the same, but I can tell a difference he's gotten a bit bigger. 

Status update-one month old
Weight: 3lbs. 1oz.
Feedings: 26ml of breast milk and a bit of fortified milk too.
Cpap: Back up to a pressure of 5. His oxygen need has increased over the last few days from room air to about 25-30%. I asked the doctor what could cause this sudden change. She said he might have a lung disease where there is water on the lungs. They can give him a diuretic if this is the case to help drain the fluid. So, as usual they will continue to watch him closely. 
In general he is doing very well. He was just born too early and should still be in my tummy. He is doing normal preemie stuff.