Wednesday, May 28, 2014


Its a huge, heavy 4 letter word that most of us are afraid of.
We are so far removed from the process of death that we are afraid. Many cultures around the world are a big part of the process. I think this would be more healing if we got to say goodbye longer than just a day. When a body dies there is no breath left in them, no life. They don't respond anymore, they don't kiss you back, they are just gone. This is almost impossible for the mind to comprehend. It is complete shock. The person was in your life, then in a moments time, they are not.
When I think about what death entails, it penetrates deep into my soul.
It is an earthly ending. It is a temporary goodbye.
Watching the life pass from Ollies precious body to the eternities was such an oh so tender, but heart wrenching thing to ever experience. 
 We all will pass through death one day too.
(I know some people think they are invincible)
 This brought Chris and I so much hope after Ollie passed from this earth, because we thought in the beginning we had to live forever without him, but we don't. We will one day get to see that glorious place where he is residing. 
I know Ollie still lives on in my thoughts and actions,  my heart and spiritually-his spirit lives on.
 I just know this. 
I feel this so strongly in my heart. 
Once you experience death as we know it on earth, you will NEVER, I repeat NEVER be the same, especially after burying your precious 2 year old son into the ground. 

I am changed.
I am different. 
I am not the Tiffany I use to be.
I am broken.
I am sad.
But I am enlightened.
I am strong.
I am enduring, I am brave
and I am hopeful.

<<<<<<<>>>> >>>

A person whom I do not personally know, told someone very special to me how she needs to be grieving. Wow seriously, if you haven't walked this path, buddy, I hate to break it you, but you will never ever understand.  I can't believe the people that think its their right to tell someone, "well its been 2 years and you should move on or be better now"


I watched my child die, gasp for air for 6 long exhausting, but not long enough, hours while his body died off. I buried his 36 inch body in the ground, forever in this life, until the morning of the first resurrection. My child will never walk again on this earth physically,  but I do believe Ollie is with my family daily. We have so many tender moments that testify of Ollie and his presence.
I will not kiss him, hold him, or smell him again until I die, so please don't tell me I need to get over my sons death or stop talking about him, I never will stop.
You just don't get it and you never will.
--that is why the mommas who have lost a child are so deeply connected, we understand--
It will be the hardest thing a person will endure in this life. 
I really do believe this.
Kind of unfair if you ask me.
Okay, pretty much unfair in every way and I hate it.


I know everyone is afraid to talk about Ollie, 
to talk about the huge elephant in the room
but I am okay to talk about it.  I am okay to see someone dead. I have faced my demon and fear of one of my children dying-finding them dead none the less. I know many moms who have this same realistic fear, I will tell you, You will live through their death and you will fight on until your death.   The death of Ollie is on my mind 24/7. It never leaves me.  It is scared upon my heart forever.
Just wait a minute and I will probably bring it up in our conversation. Don't be afraid to ask questions about Ollie or about how I am doing. I just might need to talk, grief lashes out in many weird and unexpected ways.
I am sad a lot.
I get depressed quite frequently.
I am happy a lot, but not fully happy.
I smile, but sometimes its forced.
I am kind, but sometimes I want to yell.
A lot of the time, I am mean and very inpatient,
I keep fighting, I fight this tormenting battle until it is through and the suns rays engulf my spirit and warm my cold heart.
--I still haven't clean out Ollies top dresser drawer and I love that his clothes still smell like him--
When I think of Ollie being 'gone' I feel that it is not permanent. It sure takes a lot of faith to think like this. The natural man wants to believe in an ending, I think it is easier to understand and comprehend. We want concrete evidence in something more, we need tangible proof.  Since man lived on the earth we have been seeking what is next after this life, we have seeked the heavens and Gods since time began and we will continue to seek until we reach the them.....

my sweet angel