Monday, September 22, 2014


Sometimes I feel as if I don't quite get enough time to really think about things that my family has gone through in the last 2 years, we have just been surviving and dealing.

When I do sit and really think about Ollie not being in our home physically to hold and hug, and then having another child almost die due to being a preemie, I am overwhelmed with sadness and exhaustion. and in the next moment, I am happy those moments are behind me. Losing Ollie was horrific in every way, and turned my life upside down and backwards-I really went for a spin-quickly downward. Then, having my water break at 21 weeks-I seriously wanted to die right then and there, I didn't think I could take anymore-little did I know what was ahead, being on bed rest away from Poppy for 7 weeks, facing the uncertain NICU for 3 exhausting and having my mom fly up on a moments notice to take care of my family while I sit in the ugly hospital fighting with my baby for his life, has not been what I imagined as a naive 18 year old on top of the world.

Through it all I have learned a lot. I have grown a lot spiritually, mentally and emotionally-not by choice, but by force and I have hit my rock bottom-I hope. I have learned how precious our life is, I have learned to trust GOD with everything I have-I am not in control, and I have learned to FULLY LIVE IN EACH MOMENT because our days are number here upon this earth.  

My heart has been shredded, torn, and broken into a million little pieces. I have been slowly finding myself again and putting those pieces back together. My heart will never be the same-a piece is missing, but it has expanded and grown larger by having Poppy and Loxxley in my life.

Loxxley has taught me that miracles do happen and prayers are answered-not on our time frame of how or when we want, but they are answered. We prayed so hard for Ollie-he didn't survive. We prayed just as hard for Loxxley-he did survive. Not sure why, only our creator knows this-and trust me I will be asking quite a few questions when I get to heaven, but I am thankful for my 2 children who are living with me today on this earth....until the eternities, I enjoy today while trying to find out why I am here and what this life is all about.

Loxxley really is a living miracle, started so tiny, but so strong.
He went from this.....
His head was the size of a lemon-the purple thing is the nurses glove

His precious body did not look well, he was see-through and not ready to be here.

To this.....


>>>Does anyone know how to change my blog so everyone can comment, not just people who have google+???

>>>And according to comments, there are only about 5 people who read my blog...maybe its due to the google+ thing