Wednesday, October 22, 2014

While Grieving

A few things that have helped me 'make it'

Having another child-Poppy saved me. I probably would have killed myself if I weren't pregnant. As you can imagine, I wanted to go with Ollie-I wanted to make sure he was okay in heaven. I had a constant overwhelming feeling as if I had left Ollie somewhere and I wasn't sure where. The feeling is still there. Poppy helped me to see the light again and be a mother again. She needed me just as much as I needed her.

Family and friends who believed in my strength. If it weren't for others believing I could get through this storm and horror, I would not have made it this far. The constant support, encouragement and prayers have carried Chris and I these last 2 unimaginable foggy years. Also, moving back in with my parents has been a huge blessing-sometimes we have to humble ourselves and take steps backwards in order to get our footings again and move forward. My parents have made us laugh, helped us pay off our medical bills, taken Loxxley all night long so we could have a night of uninterrupted sleep, watched the kids so we could ride in the fresh air on our motor cycle and most importantly offered us hope. 

Other grieving mothers who have experienced the loss of a child. I have met some pretty courageous woman who have had to unwillingly give their child back to our God. These woman are all unique and have offered many different pieces for the healing of my tender, broken heart. When Ollie first transitioned into heaven, I would text a mother who had just lost her 2 year old.  We would text all day long for months. It was very healing for both of us. And only a mother who has lost a child can truly understand this intense loss. 

Having a miracle preemie-When I was pregnant with Loxxley I was at a horrible place in my grieving path. I would weep and wail on my knees and cry for a good portion of the day. I didn't get dressed, brush my teeth or have any drive. I was a good momma to Poppy, but I was beyond sad-beyond repair. Then my water broke and I had to be on strict bed rest for 7 weeks. All my attention suddenly shifted from Ollie and Poppy to keeping  Loxxley safe in my tummy. I worked so hard and needed to save this child since I couldn't save my Ollie. I wouldn't even let myself cry during these 7 weeks. I just couldn't go there, I wanted so badly to, but I knew it would take me deep down and Loxxley was also feeling ever heartache. I pulled myself together and knew I could cry once Loxxley was born, but not until then. I actually cried for a few moments and quickly pushed it out.  Then, when Loxxley was born and in the NICU for 3 months I had to again dedicate myself to his needs Now, 11 months later, I am still focusing most of my time on Loxxley. Poppy is getting more love too. It is what it is. Life is not perfect by any means, but we are making it and just now Loxxley is becoming less demanding!! 

Cyberspace love- seriously a blessing in my life to receive love and prayers from complete strangers. It's very touching to know people are praying for our family and  we have never met. Some of the sweetest and most thoughtful people are in my cyberspace-maybe none of you are real, but none the less you have lifted me. Haha.  I hope to be a blessing one day in others lives when they are going through unimaginable trials. Thank you, thank you.