Saturday, December 20, 2014

Perfect

With all the social media and ability to look-or sneak into others daily lives, it has gotten to be too much for me. Everyone ALWAYS appears to be so PERFECT and happy. Their lives on camera and online are so together. No one is posting pics of them crying, a messy home, their disaster dinner, their hair a ratty mess, the dirty dishes piled high, the kids screaming, or the tiny undecorated Christmas tree with no presents under it.

I get this feeling that my life is so dull. 
So boring.
So hard and unfair.
I get jealous. 
Oh, yes I get envious.
I know life is not perfect and it was not meant to be. 
But, come on, through these pictures and updates of only the picture
PERFECT life and the stress free dream people live in, I just get sad.
 I have pity parties often, obviously. 
Sorry.

My life is FAR from perfect in so many ways. I like it that way, just a bit.  

But here is my perfect son.

 Oh, how I long for him.....
 
I guess I put myself in this silly funk....... 
I just finished reading the entire police report of the day Ollie slipped into heaven. I read every single persons account of what took place-from their view. Everyone said such nice things about me. That I was a great mom and that Ollie was always happy and right by my side.  It was very hard to read exactly what trauma he had experienced and what wounds were on his body and my friends account of pulling his lifeless body from that horrible machine.....but sometimes I need to go there.

it was hard to read.

Today as I read through the papers I had once read over, I was very sad of course, but I have so much more hope than the day Ollie passed on. I have a strong conviction that he is with Jesus Christ, Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother. I have grown into a mighty woman and a powerful soul, with HOPE.  More powerful than I EVER thought possible. I am becoming things I never dreamed of---and some not so good things too. 
I am also very weak.

I know life for most is not perfect, and I don't wish for anyone to experience what I have, or to not have their perfect life. I just hope I can focus on the positive in my world and see the beauty that still exists around me and continue to push forward.

***

Another reason I am sad, is my bro and sisters friend Seth Potter passed away after being on life support for a week or so. I followed the update daily with anticipation that he would pull through. 
It took me right back to the last tender moments with Ollie.
 I felt for his parents.

Oh, my heart.
Their heart.
BROKEN.
Shattered.
 The loss.

Remembering and honoring smiley, Seth Potter. 
Today was his celebration of life. 
Ride hard.