Thursday, January 8, 2015


So often in my broken heart, I feel as if things are more powerful than you or I.

The universe. The people. The animals. The plants. The events.

It must all be controlled by something larger, right? It just must be. There are so many events and miracles that just can not be explained by science--I am married to an analytical scientist, he likes concrete evidence.

Even if you do not believe in God, I think most would agree there is something bigger out there and many don't care to seek what's out there--I do. I don't claim to understand or know much about God, but I do feel of His presence in my everyday life. The last few days I have pleaded very hard to feel  Him....Sometimes it's so much work to feel Him.  I desperately need God and Jesus Christ in my life as I constantly fight to be a good mother and person. If I lose site of them, I quickly spiral downward into a nasty funk. My inner demon, who I hate, is showing itself more and more lately. Often, I wonder how I turned into this nasty angry person. I am so inpatient and mean. I never was this way before that pivotal moment in time when Ollie suddenly left my life.
I raise my voice in anger.
I never wanted to yell at anyone, let alone my precious children.
I get upset very quickly and easily.

It's not who I have ever been or wanted to be....I am pretty sure there was never a day I yelled at Ollie or even really got upset except for the day before he died...I yelled at him to stop screaming in the back seat....he was probably crying/screaming because he knew he would leave me the next day....our souls knew....I know we knew what was coming...
So, today I fight this demon and I will win only with the help of Jesus Christ by my side. I will pray for strength to concur the anger inside of me....yes, it will take lots of hard work, but I move forward.
I will see the beauty.

Lake Tahoe yesterday, 55 degrees....Sunny California

I will fill my body with positive thoughts.

I will be happy and not succumb to anger or bitterness.

I fight to live.
And I hope you will all fight to live too!


Some song lyrics I relate with......

" Ain’t no mountain high enough. Ain’t no valley low enough, ain’t no river wide enough. To keep me from getting to you, Ollie"  Marvin Gaye

“Get up, stand up: don’t give up the fight!” Bob Marley

“The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky” Louis Armstrong

Don’t stop believin’. Hold on to the feelin” Journey