Monday, February 16, 2015

Not just the good

Social media gets me down often, as I know it does many of you. I have mentioned many times before, we all usually only see the good. Well, on my blog I have tried to create a space for me and everyone reading to see the ugly, the real, and the raw. There is so much beauty in life, but there is also opposition in all things. The ugly sometimes may just help someone else not feel so alone and so this is the reason I share such personal things to the world.

As I have also mentioned before, I thought my marriage would be my 'big issue' in life. I thought I would work the rest of my days trying to have a happy, successful marriage.....well, other gigantic trials have crept up in my face, you all know them by now, Ollie's death and having a preemie, little Loxx.

Well, those two giant trials in my journey are still very real and present in my every day life, as well as my marriage hanging by threads at times, and that's because I am barley hanging to life, at times by a thread. I love my husband, Christopher James, with all my heart. We chose each other to raise three children with, to spend our lives and the eternities together. I know our souls must have made a previous connection in the pre-existence, out of all the people on this planet, we chose each other. Anyway, we definitely have our issues, we always have, and everyone always does. Some just have bigger ones than others. We see so many things differently. But one thing that has never lacked in our marriage is, LOVE. We have always loved each other. To be honest, we have almost separated several times, it has not been an easy road to ride on. For me personally, I have always tackled this decision to fight to stay married when things got crazy, with prayer. I have always been inspired and lead the right way. I know God will not lead me astray. The higher power is needed in our ever changing, and oh so scary world. Marriage and life in general, are so difficult. We must not give up until we are told differently. We must fight on and keep fighting this earthly battle until we are called home to our Father in Heaven.

And GRIEF, this heavy five letter word, just intensifies everything that may have been a small problem in your life before. Dang. It's rough.
My goodness.
How I miss this precious boy.......

Some days like yesterday, I begin to crumble at the seams, everything upsets me, everything is sad and I hate the world and myself. I miss Ollie so much that I think my heart might burst right out of my fragile body, my breath becomes weak and shallow, I can't seem to get a breath in, I let out a wailing sob, oh my little boy......then, I somehow see the beauty and get a breath of fresh air, the sun sets and it's a new day. A new day to feel renewed love, peace and strength. I keep going, keep fighting---even though I want to die.


Chris was talking to a co-worker the other day about Ollie's story and also Loxxley's....This guy said his good friend had a preemie with many problems, and then decided to take his own life. He just couldn't handle the situation. It was just too much.

I think Chris and I are doing pretty well given our situation, I guess.

This doesn't mean we don't fight daily or hourly to not drown in our grief, pain, sadness, or heartache.

Today we mightily fight on with a sweet angel by our side.....