Monday, April 27, 2015

Dear Ollie

I haven't sat down to talk to you in a while, Poppy and Loxx have kept me pretty busy. Everytime I try to sit and write about you or think quietly to myself--your siblings quickly remind me, they need me too. As I sat down to write this, Loxxley started eating the plant and spilled the dirt all over the floor, Poppy kept asking me which button on the keyboard she could push and I impatiently told her to stop it. So, I closed my computer and held both of them tight and sang to them. I know this is what you would want.

I miss you so much Ollie, as I hold Loxxley and sing the same songs I sang to you when I rocked you to sleep every day of your life---which I am thankful for.  Looxley has some of your same features but, looks very distict and different. He is so gentle just like you. He loves his older sister so much. I cry as I write this. I know how much you would adore your siblings if you were here. Poppy would look up to you so mcuh. The other night we had a family over for dinner and they have a boy who turns 5 in July. Poppy liked to play with him the most. She giggled with him and chased him around the house. She also teased him like a younger sister would. It made me miss you, my sweet boy. My heart still aches for you. The pain is so deep and never ending. Frankly, I dont't like when the pain goes away for split second---my pain connects me to you!

Poppy is turning 3 next week. You never made it that far in your earthly years. I could have never imagined when I gave birth to you, held you, kissed you and nursed you that I would have to say goodbye so soon. I dont't understand. I really don't. I just miss you. Every-single-thing about you my precious boy but, Poppy does bring so much sunshine into our home. She truly is our rainbow after our torrential down pour, and her voice is the cutest thing around--I wanted to hear you say 'mom' more than anything.

Loxxley survived! He sure is a fighter and I know you were with him the entire time in the NICU. I hoped everyday I would see you in the NICU by his side, I never did see you. I felt you though. And I know you were there. Loxx is a little guy and has been wearing all of your clothes. I love seeing him in your clothes and some of them I never even washed so they still smell like you. He will soon pass you up in years spent here on this earth.

I have been healing this last year more than I ever expected. I think I am healing so well because I have physically pleaded and given my burden to the Lord, prayers have been offered by many on my(our) behalf and  have carried my soul and this beautiful sunny Carson City has done wonders to lift my spirits. I have been trying to dig deep and find my passions again, my zest for life.

Your dad misses his little buddy. I know it hurts his heart and entire body to think of you not physically present in our lives. You were his first born, you were his mini him, you adored him and he adored you. Loxxley sure loves your dad too and so does Poppy but, he still misses his first born--he misses you. Poppy runs to your dad every time he gets home from work--just like you did. I am sure it warms his cold heart.

I still can't believe my body can endure so much shock and pain and still live. Our bodies are truly amazing. I am still in a bit of shock that you one day drowned, died and we buried your body. It is still awful to think about. We had to say goodbye to you. I wish I could understand more about spirits and that the veil was just a bit thinner to see you. My dog probably sees you but, I can't seem to see you in spirit. Having faith is a pretty difficult thing but, I can't deny my true feelings of seeing you again.

Death is not the end my son--as you know. I born my testimony at a husband and wives baptism last week. I told them I know I will see you again. I told them that Jesus Christ has carried my burden and will carry theirs if they ask. I told them about our family being sealed in the house of the Lord for all time and eternity. You are mine forever my sweet boy. We are an eternal family forever and have been sealed under the priesthood which is here upon the earth again. I told them about temples and how they are a link to heaven!!I cried a lot. I felt you near me. I felt you resting upon my heart. You burned inside of my body and I couldn't help but share what was true.

I love you and miss your gentle touch. I miss your smell, your hands, your toes and your vibrant blue eyes. Please stay as near as you can, I know you have important things to do. Please direct me to my destiny and path to follow while here upon this earth. Please lead me and guide me and walk beside me. Until I hold you again my precious Ollie, I stay strong and fight on.

With lots of love, from your mom