Monday, June 29, 2015

Preemie Power

For the past 3 years I have been grieving and quite frankly, it has been exhausting to even do anything else. It's like you are always running on empty and you can't seem to ever feel satisfied or full. I feel as if I just can't quite catch up...ever. And maybe I never will experience rest until my work is finished here upon this earth....

Having Poppy one month after Ollie died was exhausting. My hormones were a mess, I was a mess and I was intensely grieving. My body mind and spirit were all confused as to what just happened. 

shock. 
disbelief.
nightmares.
horror.
madness. 
loss. 
death.
birth.

All these heavy emotions have left me feeling tired mentally and physically....Oh yes, I am still tired.
My goodness.  Grief is all consuming. unwanted. and life long.

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Then, my life wasn't exciting enough so Mr. Loxxley decided to liven things up with his entrance!
I feel like I didn't quite take it in and accept all that was happening once my water broke at 21 weeks. I just went into survival mode and did what I had to do to keep him safe.

It was a ANOTHER GIANT SHOCKER.

Seriously, when my water broke and we met with that first maternal fetal medicine doctor who told us we had 2 options,
1- terminate the pregnancy by having an abortion
OR
2-continue with the pregnancy and I and the baby might both die.

So, we might have to say goodbye to another child or Chris might have to say goodbye to me and a child and raise Poppy alone......

Neither option looked very promising, but Chris and I were not going to decide whether our child should live or die by terminating the pregnancy. God was in full control. We were going to go full force forward and hope for another miracle since we didn't receive one with Ollie, we thought had a fighting chance.  The doctor made us feel like the first option would probably be the safest and best. Yes, we understood that my life was in danger of a deadly infection but, if I was at the hospital they could monitor my failing body hourly. This decision was hard considering I had a toddler at home who had already experienced a crazy life thus far yet, it felt right for our family--thanks to my mom who jumped on a plane that day to watched Poppy and offer us much needed moral support!

This Doctor made me angry and I wondered how many other parents were going in there with no hope like us? I understand the statistics the doc was providing but, he could have offered some HOPE and told me of children that do survive. Maybe my situation was very unlikely that the baby would survive or that I would contract the disease---but I didn't and we got our miracle!!! I sure wish more hope was offered and more trust put in the higher power--GOD. Miracles happen daily in hospitals. Hope is all you have in the end. Remember this. If I didn't fight for my baby, no one else was going to---except my sweetest nurses on the planet. Keep fighting mommas. I know there are moms who will be experiencing this while reading my blog. I tell you to hold strongly onto that HOPE and FAITH in your child and go forward like a tiger! [an yes, unfortunately there are tragic and sad endings--until you know the end, keep fighting]

Look at my precious miracle. I don't think I fully realized how amazing he was at that time. I was still grieving hard for Ollie. His head was the size of a lemon...so tiny and so precious straight from Ollie!
2lbs. 5oz.     27.6 weeks gestation. Half hour after a one push breach vaginal delivery


I have had some bottled up feelings lately about Loxxley, the NICU, and how scary and horribly hard I fought through it all, as well as how hard Loxxley fought.  I am proud of myslef for fighting for my baby after losing Ollie only a year earlier. Going through this was more traumatic than I had wished. It's intense and it was so dang scary.

Life can be so tough and look so helpless. I am here to tell you all reading this,
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU EVEN KNOW.
KEEP FIGHTING YOUR BATTLE. 
KEEP PRAYING TO THE ALMIGHTY FOR HIS UNENDING POWER AND LOVE.
DON'T YOU EVER GIVE UP.


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