Monday, July 27, 2015


Some days are harder than others---just like everyone's own life. 
The reality that my sweet little Ollie will not ever be here upon this earth until the morning of the first resurrection, hits me like a brick to the gut. 

I get so woozy just accepting this FACT of my new life. 

I really don't like it at all---but there is I can do to change it.  That really sucks....we can never go back and change things to be how we want. Sometimes I just can't accept that Ollie really died before my eyes, he took his last fighting breath while in his mom and dads arms, we really buried his precious 34 inch body( I only know how long he was because we had to fit him for his casket----awww how horrible) and he is no longer physically at our home. People often tell me that he is with me, but I don't see him or feel him very often, I have only dreamt of him once in 3.5 years--it's jut a constant fight to see the hope. Little things have shown me he is near and I do get tender mercies but seriously that is not enough. 

Faith is damn hard. 

Can I say that again? 
FAITH IS DAMN HARD especially after the most trying event---your child passing on from this earth and in a horrible, disgusting, traumatic way. 
It really is quite torturous and life long. 
As long as I am breathing I will forever miss my Ollie boy and there will forever be a whole in my delicate, but oh so resilient heart.

This past year has been more healing than I could have imagined as I focus inward and on healing myself. The pain is still very real and present in my body but, I have learned what works for me to bring me joy while still experiencing the pain.  

It is often a minute to minute struggle. 

One must really dig to the core of their soul, the core of their being. One must look inward and find that peace. It is there. It might be hardly noticeable, but you will find it. 

I have been meditating and practicing  yoga to help with my intense PTSD. I have learned to use yoga/prayer/meditation as a way to function in my daily life. It gives me the peace as I face challenging times. It's a way to quite the mind and see God inside of you---the light is glowing within. When I am quite I have felt Ollie so near. I have felt the pain so intensely inside of my heart that I thought it might burst out of my body, as I lay and sob with grief and then I feel the peace. It does come, but only after the shear devastation and agony. 

I know the peace, the joy, and the happiness will be experienced one day when I hold Ollie again. I know the dawn will come and the son/sun will rise again. I believe with all my broken heart that Jesus Christ has made it possible for all of us to live again. 

Body and soul reunited!

 I can't wait to witness this miracle and run to my precious Ollie.

My new favorite quote which I believe to be true.

Take a deep look inward---see what you can find.  Just sit and be. What you seek will seek you!

BTW I sure love my two living children.....