Friday, July 31, 2015

Yep, Grief is still here

I still have nightmares of my children drowning.
 
Yep, It's pretty awful. 

The dreams leave me with anxiety for the rest of the day-crummy way to start the day.
I wake up from my dream as if I had just experienced another death of my child, of course it's not the exact same but, I sure wish I could have a blissful dream occasionally.

Why do I have to live everyday in a nightmare and also experience nightmares in my dreams?

Seems a bit unfair to me, don't you think?

YEP.

^^^^^

I also, still catch myself not breathing properly through out the day. 

All of the sudden I will be out of breath and realize I hadn't even exerted myslef.

THANKS FOR NOTHING GRIEF.

So, I know its from not taking deep breathes, I am constantly shallow breathing and can't seem to ever fully BREATHE.

This is just another side effect of grieving-it stress out the body and doesn't allow you to fully relax---ever. Chris explains it well, "Grief feels as if a heavy brick is resting on your chest and you can't take a full breath in." 

Yeah sounds nice, right?

NOPE.

^^^^^

Grief has caused me to be more angry than I could have ever imagined.

ANGER. RAGE. MADNESS.

I was sitting in bed the other night thinking of how mad I have been since Ollie died. I have NEVER experienced such anger and rage in my entire life. Through out my childhood I have never felt these feelings---it makes sense because I had never loved this deeply until my little buddy was born and so the loss is going to be just as deep.

Longing to hold my first born,
wondering where my child is,
finding happiness daily and living a NEW NORMAL, sure are tough ones to handle and I am not very good at it, I just miss every inch of him.