Saturday, October 31, 2015

Left Behind???

That shear panic sets in as you thought you left your child behind at the grocery store.

Have you ever experienced this?

I'm sure you all have had some taste of this panic?

Now times that by 90.
Let me tell you, it's INTENSE.


Yep, that's exactly what grief feels like every--stinkin--single--day--but it does change through out the day and through out the years. Some days it is this intense, but hopefully not every waking minute.

Your broken heart aches constantly and you feel anxiety to the core of your being, because something is wrong and you just can't seem to ever fix it.

As mothers, we like to fix things. 
 Especially with our sweet children.
 I remember walking out of that cold hospital after we unwillingly took Ollie off life support, and not knowing what to do next. I felt oh so helpless and scared. I didn't want this for my life and wanted it to be fixed right away.

There is no fixing of this heavy burden called,  grief.
It will be carried on your heart and in your life always and forever until you take your last breath.

Makes me pretty depressed actually to think about this.

How is one expected to live with the  feeling of a rat chewing on your insides, or the feeling of bricks placed upon your chest not allowing for a full breathe in? 
and you just have to deal with it?

It's nearly impossible.
and you almost die yourself because of it.

It creeps up at every holiday-as today is Halloween, at birthday celebrations and every family party.

Not much helps.

Time heals, I guess.
or do the memories just fade?

Its rather sad if you ask me.


One thing I hold onto with an iron fist and I will never let go of, is the fact of seeing Ollie again one day. And I do know he is always a prayer away. I try to be in-tune so I may feel him daily!

Grief just molds you into something new.
I am a new human because of GRIEF.
And hope to one day be a beautiful piece of work before my death.